Screwy week with a side of refreshing

We've had a week that consisted of one screwy situation after another.  By Wednesday hubbs and I were ready to punch someone.  All week we've dealt with STUPID people. Every time we turn around someone has said or done something so ridiculous I don't know how they even manage to mutter the words. 
THEN I find out my class schedule has changed.  Late in the day. On Friday. Bookstore closes at 4 and class starts at 8 a.m. Monday. AWESOME. Yesterday, for example, I had to go to the post office THREE times because the lady was unable to help me. So I had to come home, purchase the damn postage myself.  Oh, did I mention our town was out of internet service for 30 hours?  So I had to tether my laptop to my phone.  Then when I tried to print the labels, guess what.  The mother freaking printer all the sudden decides not to work.  By the end of the 40 minute fiasco I had: pulled the pc desk out and unplugged everything from the back because I couldn't figure out which one was the printer USB.  Dropped all books of the top of the desk.  Knocked over the box of "to shred" papers.  And drop kicked a dry erase marker.  Hubbs called on his lunch break and I told him it looked like someone turned the desk upside down, shook it, kicked it, put it in a tornado, and put it back crooked, so I'm gonna let you fix it when you get home. Obviously he's not amused.  All this, only to find out.... the printer wasn't even plugged in to the back of the pc.  It was lying ever so gently behind the printer 6 feet away from my hissy fit.  WINNING.  So the whole point of this was the wifi for the printer wasn't working. Finally got it fixed. 
After the post office I went to the market. The guy in front of my topped the cake.  He bought a bunch of shit food, frozen pizzas, chips, corn dogs, you know, healthy stuff.  Fills the conveyer belt with shit. THEN has the cashier "go get that $9 bottle of Seagram's vodka. ... No not that one.... Not that one..... Yeah, that one. "   Are you ready for the win?   Wait for it...................  He paid for his well balanced food with FOOD STAMPS. While buys cigs and booze.  OMFG! I'm standing here adding up my basket that has only the necessities and he's all willy nilly with his food stamps and buying cigs and booze in the same fracking transaction.  See, WIN.
I came home with every intention of closing the blinds and hiding out the rest of the day.But then I get a phone call from the new autism specialist at C's school.  So instead of trying to find a time to meet with her in a few weeks, I just skipped my jolly ass over to the school for an impromptu meeting.  Finally some good news. They are going to start working on sensitivity training with the other kids in his class. Also, they will be working with C to try to get him to understand why he's different.  He knows he "has" Aspergers.  But I don't think he's making the connection to what that really means.  The lady was so kind and it was refreshing for the day I already was having.  A day that just proceeded a screwy week.  She has a 25 year old son who has A.S.  so she gets it. All in all it was a good meeting.
But then I walked out of the school doors.  And more of the "are you f*&!@^g kidding me? went down.  Oh well. It's Saturday.  Ry had his first sleep over with the neighbor boys, C is going to a birthday party today at his best friends house.  I might be canning some more salsa with my mom today and I'm getting ready to drink my first cup of coffee. 

Enjoy your weekends!  I know I will, last weekend before my life is nothing my textbooks and classes for 70 hours a week until Xmas.  Hell, I might even take a nap. ;)  Haha. right.

Model kinder and New Friends

So Ry went to his very first day of Kindergarten.  He got up early, showered, ate only half of his breakfast, brushed his teeth until they were "sparkly squeaky clean".  Made sure the (now pay attention here) tag in the inside of the pants matched the color of the shirt, because otherwise people will know and they won't think he's cool.   Upon arrival he was so excited that he couldn't hardly wait to get started.  He hung out on the playground with C for a few minutes.  While we were standing there we snuck a peek as C's new friend he's been telling us about.    The boy was kind and even took a break from wall ball to help C teach Ry to play.  It was cute.  Finally, the bell rang.  The kinders lined up on the #5 painted on the playground.  It was time for class.  The excitement took a back seat to reality, crap, mom's really going to leave me here.  He hesitated for a minuted and gave me a giant hug...a really long one. I told him he'd have to let go soon.  He whispered, "not yet".  My little heart melted.  So one last squeeze of a hug and he got in line.  Up the ramp he went with all the other little ducklings in a line.  Dad stepped up and gave him a high 5 and that's all he needed to know it was going to be OK.  The anxious face faded and that little cheesy smile we love came back out.

We walked down (we live very close to the school and we is hubbs and I - he took the day off for Ry's first day of Kindergarten as he did for C when he was 5) to the school to get him and when we got there he was all smiles and ready to go.  We asked him what he did and his answer " I just hung out".  LOL. Really? We saw the principal (who I adore a great deal-she's a very kind hearted person) on our way off he property and apparently he set quite the example for the rest of the kids she said, "he was a model student". HAHAHAHAHA. Whaaaat?  Well. I've trained him well.  He talks about what he had for lunch and the fact that he got to eat in a cafeteria which is almost as cool as getting a new bike.  If I had known that I could have saved a shit ton of money on his birthday.  Kidding.  Kind of. ;)   So we ask what else he did at school.  " I played, I criss cross applesauced, I went pee..."  me-"where did you pee? You know you can't pee outside at school right?".  Ry-"oh yes, I peed inside".  Try to hold your laughter in on that conversation.  He also told us about his sticker he had to wear that told them where each kid went at the end of the day: pick up/bus and how she told him he HAD to leave it on all day.  We get in the house and he takes a nap with ease.  Did I mention he fell asleep with his spiderman mask on? Yep. He did. When he gets up he comes out, still with the mask on, and tells me "can you call Ms. *** (censored for her privacy) and ask her if I can take my sticker off?  I'm bored of it now".    Seriously hilarious.

So C comes home and does his homework.  Without fuss. Can I say amazing?  So he tells me that he gave his N.F. (new friend also for their privacy) our phone number.  N.F. asked his dad if C could come to his birthday party and his dad said sure.  So C, the awesome kid that he is, asks "wait, does your family do drugs? Because I can't come over if your family does drugs" LMAO.  NF said "no, 100% they do not".  Pure Asperger  bluntness. I love it.

Cheers to a successful Monday.  Hope you all enjoy the rest of your week.

4th grade woes.

C is off to school today, or as C calls it, the "big 4th grade".  He had a major meltdown for several hours yesterday about the upcoming events.  He nodded off relatively early which was a nice change... But then- he was wide awake at 3:43 this morning.  We unplugged everything and locked up all the computers to make sure he couldn't have anything to do in hopes he'd go back to sleep... Big fat chance.
He was pacing back and forth with wild eyes for at least an hour and a half before school started, shoes, backpack, water bottle and snack ready to go.  I watched him recite what he was going to do today to himself.  I'm not sure he even knew he was talking out loud.  We walked to school and all the while I watched kids high fiving and hugging.  A few of them tried to talk to C but he just kept walking.  Until he saw an adult he recognized, he ran up and hugged him and gave him knucks.  It was interesting to watch.  He seemed to be holding it together, which means the moment he walks in the door today, it's tick, tick, tick... BOOM! It might be today, maybe not until this weekend, but it's gonna happen.  It will all catch up with him and he'll loose it.  But I'll be ready.  The principal is going to keep her eye on him throughout the day and keep me updated.  I'm nervous for him for lots of reasons.  But I've armed him with the idea it's only a part of your day, a small brush to clean his braces out with so the kids don't have an extra reason to be asshats to him, a good snack, a water bottle so he doesn't get too disruptive in class because he  gets thirsty when he's nervous or anxious.

Ry is enjoying his time to annoy me all by himself.  He has "reorganized" the cup lids about 40 different ways because "he likes to organize".  Maybe you should organize you own shit then stud muffin. I have a system. It works well for me.  It doesn't make me want to throw things like a baby and scream when I can't find them. But yes, he's trying to be helpful, so I say these things in my own head and let him do it.   He's spilled about 12 gallons of milk, climbed on top of the counter and in the top of the cupboard, eaten 800 pieces of jerky, and screwed up all the silverware in the drawer because he didn't like it.  Siiiigh. I'm sure he's having a bit of separation anxiety from all the love time he's had with his brother this summer.  Love time... hahahahahaha..

I'm going to leave you all with an image that makes me think of C and Ry.  C would kill to be in Kindergarten and Ry would sell his brothers bike (<- no that is not a typo lmao) to be able to go to the "big" kid class.


For the love of jerky, 

Pig wrestling and power stuggles.

I'm kind of bummed it's been so long since I've been able to post.  Things have been crazy. C has been keeping me on my toes.  He's began acting like the "terrible twos" and blaming everyone and everything for his "anger problem" he calls it.  Really, it's you acting like an ass and expecting everyone to bend to your every whim.  He attempted to pull the bunk bed over again yesterday and almost succeeded this time.  I can see the frustration in his eyes and he's been stuttering... Yes. Stuttering.  Where the hell did that come from?! I have been watching him more closely and have noticed him getting so angry that he can't find the words to even speak most of the time.  My anxiety is so high I feel like my heart is going to give out.  Ry cries all day long, C screams cries and throws stuff, and I sit feeling defeated unsure what to do next.  C has had "tantrums" before, but I'm used to meltdowns, which are similar, but very different in the way you handle them.  Meltdowns are heart breakingly frustrating.  Tantrums are infuriating.  And before anyone speaks up with what I should do, no, I don't give unnecessary attention to the tantrum.  No I don't give in.  I'm frustrated not a moron. I've never seen him so out of control with anger before. I don't know where this is coming from. 
As the start of school is creeping up on us I can't help but feel relieved for a daily break.  I'm at my whits end with this power struggle we are in.  But rest assured, I will be the sole victor here, with slightly more gray hair and about 30 pound heavier from all the fudgecicles.  And wouldn't you know it, I'm out of the damn things.  I don't usually have to go through two different power struggles at the same time.  However, they are both in full swing, at the same damn time.  Talk about double teaming.   It's times like this I am thankful I didn't have a girl.  It's no surprise to most of you that know me I have a very low tolerance for whining and crying.  I don't have the patience for a girl of my own.  I love other peoples girls, because they go home.  But lately, the universe is really testing my limits with these freaking boys of mine who bitch and cry over everything.  You would think by the way they are acting so entitled that I have always given them everything they want.  <- That by the way is hilarious. Never happened... Never will.  I make the choices I make for a reason, not to be their friend, not to be nice all the time.  But there is a fine line with C on giving him what he wants versus what he actually needs... Next point- sensory issues.
If  I hear one more fight about a certain fork that is smooth on the handle and the perfect weight I'm going shave my head Brittney Spears style (get the mental breakdown innuendo there? lol. ).  I don't even know where this stupid fork came from.  We've all heard the stories about people coming home to find socks or underwear that weren't theirs.  Well, I unloaded the dishwasher to a fork that wasn't mine one day about a year ago.  So this fork sits in the back of the drawer, because as my MIL phrased it I'm a silverware snob.  HAHA!  It's true, I'm not even gonna lie.  So, in the back of the drawer it sits.  I forget about it for a while.  Then one lazy day we only had a few clean "normal" forks.  Long story short, C ended up with this fork.  It was smooth unlike the regular ones.  It balanced in his little hand just right.  And there birthed the bane of my year.  From that point on all he wanted to use was the smooth fork.  He would begin to have panic attacks if he couldn't find it.  If it's clean go ahead and knock yourself out, use it.  But if it's dirty, I'm not washing it just so you can use it 40 times a day.  I'm a lot of things, but you're personal assistant is not one of them.  Then, a few days ago, Ry decides he wants to try it out. O...M..G.  You would have thought aliens landed and killed the dog and the fish, turned around and stuck their tongue out and mooned us.  He was appalled and pissed all at the same time.  I took the fork and I hid it. I hid it good.  Which turned into a "thanks a lot for getting my special fork taken away RYYYKEEEER!" slap fight.  Really, you were pig wrestling around trying to get the fork from each other and someone was about to be a kabob.  He still looks for it, I find him slinking around trying to find it.  But he never will.  I haven't decided when, or if I'm going to give it back.  I'm in the market for new silverware, even though mine are perfect to my liking so there are no more fights over the damn thing. Oh, did I fail to mention C actually said "your silverware is offensive to me".  Are you kidding me? You're attitude is offensive to ME.
I'm always hopeful for a better tomorrow.  So far this month I'm striking out.  However, come September 5th, for 7 hours, It will be sweet, peaceful bliss.  What transpires after 3:20 p.m. might be a different story, but at least then I will be "recharged" enough to deal with it.

Enjoy the last few days of Summer break everyone, and indulge in the sweet, sweet hours they are back in school.  The quiet won't last. ;)

School anxiety and my fudgey catnip.

I finally got to talk to C's new teacher and she was very receptive of us wanting to meet before school starts to try and ease some of C's anxieties about returning to school. 
Here's a list of his concerns:

• what if the new teacher isn't as nice as Mrs. Miller?
• what if the new teacher isn't as patient as Mrs. Miller?
• will I have a quiet place to go when I need it like Mrs. Miller had for me?
• what if the kids are still jerks?
• what if the other kids eat things I can't because of my braces and expanders? 
• ^^ that's not going to be fair.^^
• how will I know where to go in the new building?
• what if the other teachers don't like me?
• maybe no one will like me.
• Can I still see Mrs. Miller?
• ^Will my new teacher let me?^
• Will they let me have other choices for recess like I had at the other school?
• Can I play wall ball?
• Will the other kids let me play wall ball?
• Will the other kids finally follow the rules of wall ball?

Aaaannnndddd, BREATHE! So I talked to her and we will meet twice before school starts. Once next week with just us to get the lay of the land and come up with a strategy and safe places/ activities for when things get overwhelming.  And once the day before school when the other teachers and some other students are there to get a sense of who he will be encountering.  My hope is to take 50% of his fears and squash them so the transition is mildly tumultuous not horrific. I can't take them all away, but this is the best way I can figure to help ease the stress.  My MIL suggested we take some pictures of the class room and other places he will be during school time so he can look over them from time to time and get a sense of comfort about his surroundings.  I think that's a great idea.  Hopefully the teacher doesn't think we are crazy. lol. 

I've also come up with a plan for the kids going to daycare.  Since I don't start school until the end of the month, I am going to let the kids go to school for 2 weeks.  The 3rd week on Tuesday and Thursday, they boys will ride the bus to daycare and stay for 30 minutes, then I will go pick them up.  This way the get established at school a bit and then add in day care the week before I actually have to go back to school, that way if there are any issues that arise I am available to take care of them.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.  Because I am. Part of me is worried about how they will handle the newness of me being unavailable and the rocky transition for C.  The other part is worried about how well I'm going to handle his meltdowns with such a full plate. 

On another note, I'm trying to decide if I have enough time to stay involved with the Policy Council for Head Start.  I'm thinking yes.  It's something I really enjoy doing even though it's kind of boring. lol. I also resigned my position as the VP of the PTO, I really am afraid of stretching myself too thin.  I don't want to add something else that I feel like I HAVE to do.  I had to be honest with myself and I think they understood, I hope so at least.

Well kids, it's time to clean up the house and win the fight against the sugar ants that won't seem to go away... and... I'm out of fudgesicles, so I no longer have an excuse to hide in the closet.  GAAAHHH!  Fudgesicles are like my catnip. I get all warm feeling inside and want to roll around on the floor with the empty wrapper.  I can't help it. I'm a fat kid at heart- don't judge. haha.

Offensive bows and Walmart anxiety.

I made the boys get up and get dressed so we could go to the store as I have avoided it so long we have no milk and no fruit.  As they were getting dressed C keeps asking what store we are going to and saying.. "I hope it's the market... I love the market. I hope it's not Walmart. I hate Walmart."  Over and over again.  I could see the anxiety welling up because he wasn't actually talking to me so I didn't respond to him.  I like to see if he can work out these things in his own mind and if that means talking to himself, then have it big boy.  However, I thought I was the only one who hated going to Walmart.  My reasons- people are rude, they are pushy, it takes too long.So this got me thinking about what may be his reasons-too many things to over stimulate his brain, too many people mean too many things to process about facial expressions and words that are confusing, and why people would stand so damn close to you? I'm sure it's much deeper and complex than I'll ever understand, but I suppose at least I'm trying.
So, we go to the market and get our milk, plums, and bananas.  We barely avoid the meltdown over not renting Transformers 3 for the gazillionth time, but make it out in tact.

I have been more in tune with the patterns of meltdown and anxiety.  I even notice myself feeling less angry about it, maybe because I'm more aware of how and why these things happen.  I use to take it so personally, but after a lot of reading of other peoples personal blogs and various books, I see that it isn't personal, which makes it REALLY hard to be angry at.  It's like being mad at an infant when they cry because they can't communicate their needs.  That's just ludicrous to think that's personal.  So I choose to think of his meltdowns in a similar fashion- not that he's baby, just that inability to communicate needs at times.  I'm allowed to be annoyed and frustrated, but I'm not allowed to be angry, because he doesn't know how else to communicate what he's feeling or even how to process it once the anxiety has set in.  I knew there would be a transitional period after our vacation.  I called it before we left.  Hubbs (my husband Danny) said he didn't think so because this was a good thing.  My argument- so was the mother freakin mattress that he loves so much, that caused the meltdown of the century because it didn't have handles so he didn't know how to make the bed now.  I saw it in his eyes yesterday that it was coming.  So I've been going along with the impending doom feeling over my head just waiting.  Part of me is feels for the kid and the other part of me is doing the touchdown dance because I was right.
We have successfully maneuvered around  at least 15 things that were sure to cause a full on meltdown that would normally lead to hours of crying and days of recovering.  So I say it's a win for now.

I said something to my MIL the other day that apparently has stuck with us both because we both keep talking about it.  I made a comment "My kids couldn't be more opposite.  I have one who would do anything in the world to be just like everyone else(C).  And one who tries everything he can to be different (Ry)."  It's funny to watch them.  C does so much of the parallel playing and mimicking of everything to try to do things the "right" way so people will accept him and he will blend in.  Ry wants to do everything different so he can stand out and be seen. It's hard to keep up!

I'm off on a quest to circumvent what proves to be a challenging day.  At the moment I'm saying the words most mothers fear  "Put the scissors down and walk away". LOL.  He's suppose to be cleaning his room, however he is very busy... Just not with that.  He's out here trying to cut pieces off a teddy bear because "the red bow offends him".  yes, those are his words.  Well studly, your cutting up a bear offends me.  Moving on.......

-Nikki

oceans and blow guns.

Our week of camping went pretty smooth.  We of course had a few minor bumps, but nothing major.  C- wanted to be friends with a kid in the camp site next to us, but with all the parallel play that goes on with him, we had to cut the friendship short on the first day.  The "neighbor" kid was the definition of the kid off Toy Story that burned it's toys in the backyard and blew them up with firecrackers.  He had a blow gun and tried to shoot pine needles and cones at Ry and told stories of falling in the firepit at various times and putting fire crackers in fires and watching them go "BOOOM!!".  Then he proceeded to tell C that he could break his wrist in one move.  All I could think was, " really kid. Keep talking and his literal sense will show you how to do it... If he doesn't I might". Oh, did I mention that the GRANDPA of this kid walked around smoking a joint every 30-45 minutes?  I thought C was going to crap his pants with horror that someone would actually do that in front of kids and especially a baby (the blow dart kid had a tiny sister around 1 yr-18 months old).  He was very upset, I thank Young Marines for that drug awareness class. 
     So for conversation sake we will call this kid BDK (blow dart kid).  So, since we told the boys they weren't allowed to play with BDK they moved on to the other boys with bikes.  Every time they would ride around the camp loop they would have a new kid riding along side.  So BDK would come over to our camp and tell us how we are "suppose" to do things.  He would throw things in our fire and the mom and grandma would look over and let it happen.   When I was cooking dinner that consisted of ribs, potato salad, and baked beans, the kid says "you guys are lucky.. I think we're having ramen noodles.  They are cooking right now".  My MIL (mother in law) looked at him and said with a straight face " then maybe you should go over there and see".  I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  He kept trying to invite himself to eat with us. I'm not a babysitter, I'm not a nanny.  I have my own kids, and right now I'm busy NOT watching them while they act like boys on their bikes somewhere... over ... there (think scarecrow scene from Wizard of Oz).  Thankfully with C's sense of rules I was able to let them ride their bikes around the "C" loop of the campgound until their feet wanted to fall off.
     The boys went fishing a few times and C caught a tiny fish and Ry caught some seaweed and a crab, which we ate for dinner. lol.

 My MIL wanted to go clamming so we got up early on Saturday and went on a quest for clams during minus tide.  We didn't have any rubber boots, so the walk out was disgusting and gave me a mild anxiety attack since we were in the bay.  But once we got out there it was just sand.  I wish I could have gotten pictures, Ry cried almost the whole time and C would find the ones that spit and would start digging for them.  It was pretty cool.  I would walk along with my dowel stick and find them and Danny and my MIL would dig them out.  We walked away with 3/4 of a bucket full of clams of different sorts. Some really big ones and some butter clams I think they were called.  Ry sliced his foot open on a broken shell, C- fell and scrapped his leg and elbow and also caught "big " air and ate crap on his bike.
     A few minor meltdown and some marshmallows and we were set.  It was fun, but I'm glad to be home.  I'm hesitant about how the day will go.  So far so good.  But there's always that adjustment period where C goes into fight of flight mode for a few days and his sensory issues rear their ugly head.  I did read on another blog "Inner Aspie" ( http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/ )that sometimes a strong touch will help calm the nerves.  He was laying down for a nap because his eyes were super darty and he was starting to go into panic mode from being too overstimulated with how the day was going.  I put my hand on his arm lightly and he kept moving away.  So what I had read popped into my head and I placed my hand very firmly on his harm and I felt his whole body relax and he whispered "thank you mom" and fell asleep almost instantly.
     Hopefully we make it through this week unscathed.

-Nikki

Tires and Chocolate

We left the house by 9 am this morning, we ended up going to the psychologist to pick up 2 dose change prescriptions, then to the squeeze in appointment at the orthodontist because C had a wire come out on the bottom.  After there we went back across town to the pharmacy only to find that she incorrectly wrote one of the Rx's.  We eat some lunch and end up having to go get new tires on one of the cars.  GREAT. I have a HUGE problem with going to WalMart for anything, and I do mean anything, automotive related. I'm kind of a snob like that. But mostly when I was much younger I had my "dream" car. It was beautiful. I had an oil change done at, eh hm, Walmart only to get about 5 miles down the road and my engine blows up because they didn't put the filter on tight enough and all the oil drained out.  Anyways, after a bunch of calling around they were about $50 cheaper than anywhere else.  So away we go.  I have officially found the point at which Cayden can no longer handle Walmart.  It is exactly 23 minutes.  Which is about 21 minutes longer than it takes me to have a meltdown LOL.  about 40 minutes in I get called back where they want to jack me around, after I made it perfectly clear it wasn't going to happen, we continued on....  I was perusing the makeup isle where C proceeded to lay across the isle because he was BOOOOREEEEd-UH.  People couldn't get around him.  I told him to get up off the floor or I would extend his grounding.  ( yeah, that's a long story).  So push comes to shove, as I'm not about to argue with him, I reach down and put my hand under his armpit to lift him up. At this time, I want to point out there are about 7 people standing and watching the show. He fails himself backwards and screams, "you can't do that because there are security cameras right on you! You better stop or they will get you in trouble for doing this to me!".  Really? I wish I would have had the mind to stop and take a picture of this crowd of people all standing there judging me. Instead, I closed my eyes, held by breath and walked away.  I figured he'd follow me, and he did.   We carried on through the store where he kept on doing things and taking it too far and was unable to reason with anything. TWO hours later the damn tires are done.  I was the only person there to get tires and a guy was working on it the entire time.  What the hell takes so long? I could have done it faster myself. We get home, he takes a nap and silly me, I had hopes that he'd be "reset". Fat chance.  We've spent the last 4 hours in one power struggle after another.  He got on the elliptical for 10 minutes or so but came in raging that we said "one time, a long time ago, that we'd do something".  I don't even know what it was, but he was pissed that we didn't do it.  I had him get his pajamas on and lay down to read a littler earlier than usual in hopes that he could unwind a bit.  Again, BIG FAT CHANCE..  He was quiet all of 3 minutes before he came out and demanded his Hershey bar I bought for him on Saturday.  My sister and brother in law took the boys to a parade and of course, all the candy they threw out is stuff he wasn't suppose to eat because of his expanders and braces.  I felt for him, so I bought him a chocolate bar.  Come to find out he had some of the candy anyways so I didn't feel the need to give it to him. In his world, once something is said, it is what it is.  Because I said it was for him, he believes he may do with it as he pleases.  It turned into a grab fight, because we don't eat many sweets and nobody else is eating candy or dessert tonight.  Now here's my dillemma.  I put it in the trash can, and he'll dig that sucker back out. So what do I do, I shove the entire thing in my mouth (not my proudest moment and my stomach hurts like crazy now).  Now there's nothing to fight about.  It's gone. end of story.
     At present he is crying because he just knows that Ryker is going to get to eat ALL of that parade candy.  Honestly, I just threw candy away from 2 Halloween's ago that I found in that nifty little cupboard above the fridge.  I know it's gross, judge in silence haha.  I just don't get it.  He makes it seem as if I'm so one sided and show so much favoritism. Bleh.  C has been talking to himself for 23 minutes about how mean I am and how I broke a promise.  Actually MR. literal, I never promised anything, I distinctly remember saying, "since you already had some you don't need this". 
     Top it off, and little Ry has been an emotional mess for weeks.  All he does is cry because everyone is hurting his feelings (ie. "get off your dresser Ryker".  "I know! you don't have to be so ruuuude!" and here comes the waterfall of tears.). 
     We are getting ready to go on vacation for 5 days.  I'm already dreading it.  I don't know if C's issues are stemming from the anxiety of the trip/ change.  I'm sure once we are there he will mellow out... hopefully.   But when we get home, I really don't want to have to go through this again.  Just in time to do it all over again in a few weeks when it's time to go back to school... Then time to go to day care for the first time.  Then.. and then... and then.  So much for that wonderful fingernail polishing quiet break I had.  It's back to real life, real tears, and an upset tummy from too much chocolate.
    That is all.
   -Nikki

Peace and Polish.

     I keep finding myself looking around, not sure what to do.  My mom took the boys on Wednesday.  Yesterday I had to run some errands so it wasn't so bad, plus I feel my face wanting to explode because of this wonderful sinus infection I have, so the break was nice.  But today, nobody is arguing about what is fair, screaming that it's 12:04 and lunch is suppose to be ready at 12:00 so I must be trying to starve someone, and my house is still clean.  It's a weird feeling. 
  I did however, go down and fill out the paperwork and pay the registration fee for a day care center that I mentioned a while back, so that's exciting!   I can do what I need to for school and not have this hanging over my head. I think next week, or maybe the week after, I will take the boys down there to check it out and be able to put faces with names.  Hopefully this will ease the transition for C. 
    We are heading out for a few days of camping and crabbing, the boys are taking their fishing poles and bikes and Ry is elated to go to the beach.  Fingers and toes(freshly polished ones at that)  crossed the trip goes smoothly.
    Not much else to report here, just watching trashy tv shows and doing my nails today.... This is what I'm doing..... With no interruptions.

As much as I miss them, this sure is a welcomed break!  Hope every one is staying cool and hydrated!
-Nikki

Surprise rafting and new beds.

Let me start by saying I'm blogging from my phone,  so there's bound to be some typos and really awesome autocorrects. 
After a few days of help from my mother in law, a break to go to the doctor and a hair cut and a pep talk while kid free,  I feel like a new woman!  Funny how something so small can make you feel so great.  Yesterday I gave C his MP3 player back after he got it taken away from him because it was a major impairment on his listening skills. Earlier in the day he was a mess. Yelling at me and Ry for previous events.  He was sitting at the table and I pulled the MP3 player out and set it in front of him. My M.I.L. whispered to him, " you should probably tell her thank you for giving it back even though you weren't very nice ".   He walks over to me very calmly and says " thank mom for giving it back..... even though I was a jerk ".  I asked him if he knew why he got it back. His answer was no. I explained to him that I gave it back because me having it had nothing to do with his behavior today.  What happened yesterday has nothing to do with today. He looked at me confused for a minute. Then without saying a word he threw his arms around me and gave me a giant hug. "Thanks mom " he said softly.  I had to fight back tears.
   Then on Saturday we had a surprise birthday party -rafting trip for a friend of ours. I wasn't sure how the boys would do on a 3-4 hour ride down the river. They did surprisingly well. Reports were it was super fun because they got to use squirt guns ( the giant dipsticks)  the whole time.  About half way down Ry requested to go back because he wanted to be done. But,  we got to a stopping point had some snacks and he got in the raft with bus other 2 favorite adults. At about 3 hours in I could see that C had reached his limit. He was no longer capable of sitting still and was obsessing over getting something in another raft. (We had 2 rafts that towed another 2 rafts with older kids and coolers.) When we finally got done we had an amazing bbq where everyone proceeded to eat too much. It was fun.... a lot of fun.
   C had a hard time going to bed. We started at 8:00 and struggled  with him until 9:45 when we simply shut the door. I think he even slept through the night.  I know I did. I woke up in the sane position I fell asleep in. Lol.
     On Friday we went to Costco and bought the boys their first set of new mattresses . They had twin size pillow top Sealy's for $119. The boys were so excited. .... until we got home. C was making his new bed and went into full meltdown mode. It sounded like something off the exorsist movies coming from his bedroom. After about.5 minutes of screaming and hyperventalating he comes out if his room with blood shot eyes and a Rosy face and says he can't stand the new mattress.  The old ones have handles in the mattress so it is easy to move. The new ones don't. I never would have imagined that a change as small and welcomed as a new mattress would bring so much turmoil. I showed him how to move it without handles and he grumbled for a bit,  but he eventually got done and seemed pleased at bed time.
     I find its easier to see things that are out if his control than I used too. A year ago I might have disciplined him for having a tantrum over a new bed. Can you imagine what it must feel like to always feel so anxious and over stimulated? 
     C seems to be doing better today after what seemed to be a good nights rest for everyone. Hes less confrontational and whiny. So that's always a plus.
     Fingers crossed for a peaceful evening,
     Nikki

Insight and headaches.

     Yesterday was a doosie.  I literally cried until I fell asleep.  I woke up with swollen eyes and a bigger headache than I started with yesterday.  What I found was myself feeling confused and struggling to understand, truly understand C.  But it was like the door to my mind slammed shut at every turn and he was on hyper-drive to meltdown town.  He was so intense yesterday that I didn't know what to do with it.  Made worse by feeling like there's no one to help me with answers.  BUT, today is a new day, as they say.  I can only  hope it gets better.  I can't bear the thought of another day like that so soon.
     It's hard feeling like no one else understands, even your own family.  It really does make you feel alone.  So I laid in bed this morning, with that thought rolling around in my head.  If I felt so helpless, so frustrated, so minimized by others, how the hell does C feel?  Although most of his struggles are internal.  When you think something isn't bothering him, you're wrong. Give it about 5 days and then he will have a meltdown but you won't know why... You have to go all super sleuth to find out.   But if I feel so horrible on the inside and out, he's a kid, I don't know that I want to know how he feels.  Or is it even something that he can even process? So many questions, no one to answer them.
        I'm headed to the library to pick up a book I've been dying to read and they finally shipped it here for me.  I will still be waiting for a phone call from a lady who does the Aspie support group and from 2 doctors.  I did get a referral to a therapist in Medford that specializes in Aspergers, so I'm waiting on that call as well. I'm doing my best, but wish I wasn't the only one fighting so hard.

    Hoping for some insight, Tylenol to finally kick in, and less fighting amongst the boys today  (although it's all I hear at the moment...).
   -Nikki

Defeat is not an option...

     We all have our good days and our not so great days.  I feel my frustration piling up.  I look around at people who have ordinary families and they just ask each other advise from time to time and it works great for everyone.  But for me, it's like I'm standing with the whole world staring at me while I scream for help, but then every one looks at me like I'm speaking gibberish.  I wish I had someone who truly understands what I go through on a daily basis.  I wish I had someone to help me to understand Aspergers. Today,  I simply feel defeated.  It doesn't even feel like I'm crying, I just have tears trickling down my face.  It's really odd. Although, defeat is not an option.  I still have to get up and carry on.
     I've had a headache for 5 days straight and I'm sure that's not helping things.  I envy those who have family close enough to have a break.  I just need a little time, to regather my thoughts and recharge my "emotional tank" so to speak, occasionally.  For someone who needs things to be so ordered and structured, C sure does know how to shake things up in this house. I've been watching him the last 2 days become condescending to Ry.  He's been complaining and having a hissy fit because he has to do things and wants help.  But then when Ry helps C screams at him for not doing it right.  Ry cries and C is still pissed that he's not getting help.  I'm not sure how long I stay out of it.  Honestly, if you want help, don't yell at the person who is helping you.  If you don't like the way they are doing it, then do it yourself.  There is no reasoning with him, his way is the right way.  Big spoons can't go with little spoons, white bowls can't be stacked with brown bowls, BUT if I make Ry stop helping C thinks I'm the worlds worst mom and I'm unfair and mean, if I let Ry continue to help Ry things I'm mean and C refuses to be kind.  I can't win.  I try so hard to make things fair and even for him.  But to what extent? 
     I've been fighting for him to get help for 7 years now.  In that time I haven't stopped to ask for help for me.  Now I'm screaming for it and don't know where to turn.  So if anyone has any good ideas, I'm open for it, but please, if you do not understand Aspergers or Autism, do not pass judgments on my parenting or my kid.  That's not what I'm looking for.

Giving anyone who reads today a giant hug, mostly because I need it,   
            -Nikki

Accountability and Understanding

     I find when I get busier that its harder to be understanding to what C is all about.  I find myself losing my patience more, saying things that aren't relevant, and not taking the time to try to decode him.  I laid in bed and regretted most of my attitude towards him that day.  Guilt is a horrible thing to feel.  He didn't do anything that I would consider wrong, I just felt like I no longer had the patience to really hear what he's saying and understand why he did what he did.  I woke up this morning and am still beating myself up a bit for it.  I know he says things that don't make sense to me, but he doesn't know how else to explain them.  I shouldn't fault him for that.  His thought process is just totally different than mine.  I see him mimicking things more and more.  Things that, as I reflect on it, I realize he has seen or heard somewhere else, or even worse, me.  I've known he mimics, but I suppose I've never been fully aware of how often and to what magnitude.  The very things I'm getting on his case about are things that I let him watch on tv, or allow him to hear in conversations.  They say children are like sponges, but most children don't have extraordinary memories and precise facts.  We made the decision yesterday to remove most of the television. We found we were getting too lax about the shows they were watching and it became an issue for him to even pause a show because he "HAD TOOOO" watch it.  No more Beyblade, no more Ninjago.   In the process we've corrupted him, he really likes ALF. hahaha... He's a child after my own heart.
   



 I wish there was a manual for parenting an Aspie.  And I suppose more than parenting,  a guide to understanding in the moment, not just in hindsight.   I've talked about it before, but managing yourself really is harder than trying to manage their behavior.  Being accountable for yourself, for lack of a better term, sucks.  I find I spend so much time trying to "train" my kids to be respectful and responsible, that it's possible I forgot to practice it myself.   



     On a brighter note, we had some friends from out of town stay with us last night.  Ry went to my mom's house so it was just C and 2 other kids (they have known each other their entire lives).  There was no fighting, no whining.  They played together the entire time up until about 10:30 this morning when they left.  I think it was good for him, he seems much more relaxed today.   All week I've watched his body get more and more tense.  By Friday his eyes were sunken in and darty, his shoulders were rolled up and he couldn't sit still.  A little break from his brother and a few friends who know how to follow the rules of and share similar interests in games.
     I'm off to buy stock in Adidas, (haha, not really but it seems like it) because they are the only shoes he will wear.  He won't wear sandals or flip flops, hates wearing socks, and cries when he can't wear his favorite shoes.  The peanut gallery can hold their comments about not letting your child be "picky".  Ask either one of my kids and they will tell you our motto is "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit".  Until you have been in my "shoes" (pun totally intended) you can't judge.  There are certain things that have to be consistent where Asperger's is involved.  And if shoes is one of them, then so be it.

Networking and Raisin Bran

     I've successfully avoided daycare for my boys for years.  Where I go, they go when they don't have school.  I found out a few months ago that I was accepted for a program in college.  Great news!... wait, but that means I don't get to pick my schedule anymore, they pick it for me.  So as I'm on the hunt for the perfect sitter I don't really know where to start.  So I called our local job council that has a child care referral network.  They have a disclosure that says they do not recommend or endorse anyone, they simply compile a list and provide it to you.  I won't go into details other than to say I fought back tears because of how filthy the living conditions were in this home. Holy discouragement Batman!  Of course the first place I went to had to scare the pants off me, we got home, changed clothes and washed our hands, took a nap and were good as new. lol
    That evening we made a trip over to C's teacher's house (from last year) to deliver a little craft project we had been working on for her.  She showed such patience and caring throughout the year and still during the Summer time when she should be vacationing, that we thought we'd do something nice for her.  She has these 3 amazingly well behaved dogs, one of them being a St. Bernard, the boys LOVE big dogs.  To top it off, her husband is a fireman....  It was like Ryker stepped into his dreams.  He got to look at dog books, hear stories of dog agility training, watch fire fighting videos, check out the fire truck, get some goodies, see a police officer stop by to say hi, and by the time they got in the car they were ready for bed so they could crack open their glow sticks. LOL. Best couple of hours we've spent all summer and what we desperately needed after such a weird morning.
    Then this morning I gave a lady a call that I was referred to from some of the staff at C's school.  She has an ASD support group, oh, did I mention she has a day care center AND it's affordable also? Yep, the stars aligned and birds sang.  The more I talked to her the more giddy I became.  She has been through such similar things ( she has an Aspie in the family too).  Right down to doing all the research yourself because you can't get anyone to help you and you don't feel like there's anyone who will ever understand your frustrations and struggles, and even the victories that no one else gets are a big deal.   I'm more excited than anyone will ever know to meet people that will understand my life and how Asperger's effects the entire family.  When I told C that there was a chance he could meet other kids with Asperger's he just smirked and said, "oh, they are special needs like me... cool, they won't be jerks".  WOW.  First and foremost, I corrected him on his choice of words, he's 9 not 90 and doesn't need to call anyone a jerk.  But mostly, it solidified what I had been trying to tell everyone for years.  Just because he doesn't show externally how hurt he is by the treatment he gets from other kids, doesn't mean he's not affected.  There's also that term, "special needs" that I think has to go.  It's good to understand the term, but I'm afraid that will come back and be used as a crutch. 
    I'll be talking to her again soon, but in the meantime I feel hopeful for both of us building new networks and relationships with people who have to structure their lives like ours.
     At the moment I'm being reprimanded for turning off the tv and throwing away something of C's without telling him.... Only I didn't throw anything away.   And I only turned the tv off after he refused to brush his teeth and threw his brothers things down because he wanted to play where Ry was.  This whole managing my own behavior is much harder than you would think.  I want so badly to lecture him into seeing things my way... Problem is, that will NEVER happen, not in this lifetime anyways.  One of the things about being an Aspie means that whatever they believe, you can't change their minds.  If they believe it, it IS true. 
     Along with managing my own behavior I've been trying to keep out of every disagreement they boys have.  As my ears are ringing from the shrieks and screams I wonder how much longer I can hold out.
    I took a 20 minute time out for myself, lol.  Contemplating the importance of earplugs and closets.  I figured they'd find me anyways so I grabbed my book and closed the bathroom door and pretended to be "busy".  Turns out they respect your "poop time" as Ry so lovingly said.  And that's where the fighting stopped.  Wonder how many times I can make this work? lol  I might have to pretend to eat a lot of Raisin Bran so they don't get suspicious. 
   
    I'm off to make dinner,
        Nikki

Black and white minded don't really like black and white things....

After an hour long phone conversation with an old friend of mine last night I went to bed later than usual.  I turned the TV on to try and unwind a bit and what did I find? Alf.  I couldn't resist.  After Alf, was Wonder Years.  I was in 80's child euphoria!

Watching these shows got me to thinking about the other day, I was watching The Adams Family.
C comes to sit down and says," wait, is this whole thing in black and white?".  Yep, it sure is.  Ry loved it, but C didn't.  I found it funny that someone who see's the world in black and white doesn't really care for things that are actually black and white, they are just not interesting.

     Earlier that evening after my husband got home from work, he sat down to do a writing assignment ( he also goes to college and works full time *sooo proud of him) and the topic was these millions of ADHD diagnoses that seem to be all the rave these days.  I'm very opinionated about an ADHD/ADD diagnosis.  My thoughts are this: remove processed foods and eat foods that are free of dyes and other chemicals and preservatives, remove/limit overstimulating activities like too much tv and video games, get the kids up and play.  I'd be willing to be that at least half the kids diagnosed would see symptoms fade.But unfortunately there are a lot of parents who jump for meds instead of testing first.  Did you know that preservatives and dyes are linked to causing hyperactivity in children?  
    
    So all these thoughts are swirling around in my head like they were dancing the freaking cha cha at midnight and here's the result of my thinking:

• when and why did tv become so offensive?  When did it become ok for a cartoon to call someone an idiot? ( Sponge Bob, which my kids aren't allowed to watch)
• when was the first time they were allowed to say "b!t@$" on day time television and was it a total shock to everyone?
• I like guilty pleasure tv as much as the next guy, probably even more... I LOVE tv.  
• I'm glad I don't let them watch too much tv.
• They are buttholes when they watch too much tv.
• I wonder if anyone else is watching Alf.
• I'm never going to fall asleep.
• Ohh my goooodness, Ry snores like a wind tunnel...
• Danny snores like a mac truck's jake brake.
• I want sleep.
• I want pie.
• I wan......

And that's all I remember.  So I sit here, so peaceful feeling this morning, glad I'm a strict as I am with tv and video game rules, drinking my coffee and listening to only the keyboard and the birds.  It must be the day I buy a lottery ticket because both kids are still alseep.  I even heard C's watch alarm go off about 10 mins ago and still no kids.
     I wonder what would happen if I only let the kids watch shows from 1990 and earlier....

Ry is awake and concerned that he woke up too late and didn't get a hug and a kiss from his dad before he left for work.  And this turns into him being concerned about how Cayden will feel when he wakes up and realizes he's missed it too.  At this very moment Ry is putting the silverware away "so Cayden doesn't have much to do when he wakes up" to try and ease up the morning for him.  It's not often, but I am seeing from time to time that they are very considerate of each others feelings and it's almost like C is  learning some of this compassion from his little brother.  It's funny to watch the roles be reversed. 

This is my boys at my sisters wedding a few weeks ago...  It's a beautiful moment.

For the love of old tv shows, comradery, and a wholesome childhood.  

     -Nikki

Silence... at least til breakfast....

     A good friend of mine made a reference yesterday that just about made me fall over, because it was so spot on. She said, "Your chaos, His order".  Whaaaa??!!  She pretty much summed up my life in 4 teeny tiny words.  I think if I ever write a book, that's going to be the title. lol. 
     C wasn't feeling too well yesterday and as bad as it may sound, I enjoyed yesterday.  We were lazy for the whole day, which NEVER happens in my world.  There were no arguments amongst the boys, no one broke rules so C didn't have any meltdowns and Ry was contently playing with legos ALL day.  Bed time rolls around and it's the same as every other night, brush teeth, go pee, get drink, hugs and kisses and get your butts to bed by 8:10.  Since C wasn't feeling well (he has a 103.2 fever)  I let him lay on the couch so I could keep an eye on him.  Ry was in bed and all was quiet for a while... But then, my husband, myself, and C started talking, and giggling a bit.  Next thing you know we hear Ry " PPLEEEAASSEEE BEEE QUIEEETTT!!".   " Your talking is keeping me awaaaaaakeee!!!".  Now you can think what you want, but this is hilarious.  My kids don't talk rude to people like that, and it was more an annoyed plea for silence than flat out rudeness.  We stop talking and press play on the DVR.  " My...., Head..... Is.... Going.... To..... Explode.... In.... ONE MINUTE!!!!  Turn it DOOOOWNNNN-UH".  We can barely contain ourselves, but pull it together just in case, you never know. lol
    Then comes morning.  I wake up, before 6 a.m., to arguing.  At least we know C is feeling better.  Apparently my payback to keeping Ry awake was for him to get up, play on my phone, hide it, eat 2 yogurts and something else ( I honestly can't remember because I wasn't fully awake yet).  Which turned into a "no I didn't", "yes you did" "nuh-uh"  "uh-uh" fight, that continues as I type at 7:31.  I made them both go back to bed where they are so mad at me that they are "NOT TALKING TO YOU!!!" (meaning me) all day.......  Well folks, this just might shape up to be a great day. Peace and quiet. I better soak it all in, because I have a feeling all day really means until breakfast time, they know who feeds them.  ;)

  Love and Cheerios from our house to yours.

New blog, First post. A little about our journey through Asperger's.

     I've spent the better part of the last month mulling over what I could do with my spare time this summer, but I want what I do to matter, at least to me.  I've thought for sometime that I wanted to write a blog about my life and all it entails, but really, where do you start?  I am honest with myself that maybe no one will read it, but maybe, just maybe, at least one person will come across this and be inspired or be able to relate to it.  Really, that's all I can hope for.

     Now how about that starting point?  I'm a mom of two boys, Ryker is 5 and Cayden is 9.  I'm a full time college student and a wife.  But let's rewind a bit for some insight to how we got here today.  

     I had Cayden when I was 21 years old.  From the moment he was born we knew he was going to be different.  Not like weird different, but in that fascinating, intriguing, he's going to change the world some day, kind of way.  He was walking by 8 months, talking in full sentences by his first birthday, and escaping from all kinds of boundaries by 18 months.   By the time he was two, I began questioning his pediatrician about things that just seemed odd. He was obsessive about the way things had to be, each person had to drive their own car or he would get confused and upset.  Example, Nana couldn't drive Mom's car. And change, well, change was never an easy thing to deal with.  I was told he was fine and I needed to be more consistent.  Ha! Me? More consistent? I couldn't have been more consistent if someone forced me too.   By the time he was three I found myself traveling over 100 miles to a specialist for a second opinion, which turned to third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and finally our seventh.  We went through a lot of channels, good and bad psychiatrists (a long story for another day), tons of money, and even more time, to finally get the diagnosis that made sense.  Congratulations, your child has Aspergers! It was like a light bulb came on and everything suddenly made sense.  It was almost like a rush of relief, I wasn't crazy and neither was he.  It wasn't scary any more, it just was.

     The road here wasn't an easy one.  Any change to routine causes turmoil, for instance a substitute teacher instead of his regular teacher, the beginning of Summer or Spring breaks, moving, any disruption of our daily routine.  The constant bullying my son endures because he lacks social skills are ongoing, but that's getting better.  We made an inconvenient move about 30 minutes from where my husband works and I go to school because we fell in love with the school district here.  The ENTIRE school has been so patient and so willing to help him, even though it feels more than they bargained for at times.  

     Because of the lack of social skills, Cayden doesn't have any friends.  We have found though, that he gets along well with kids a few years younger than himself.  So the school set up a "tutoring" program for him.  Once a week or so, he would go into the first grade class room and help the kids with flash cards and such.  Boy did we see a big boost in his confidence.  There's still a few boys in his regular class that are just relentless and seemingly hell bent on making his life harder than it has to be.  Part of the problem is, Cayden doesn't see through the sarcasm and set ups from his peers.  He blurts things out without thinking and comes unglued if the other kids aren't following the rules.  The combination isn't exactly the best for making and maintaining friends.  

   All that aside, he's so bright and inquisitive.  His memory is astounding and extremely long spanned.    Which is frustrating and wonderful at the same time.   

    So now that you know a bit about us, come back and read again....It's bound to get interesting....