Change+transitions+Asperger's=HELL

     We've been out for, let's just say..,. a while.  We've had a lot going on the last year that made it nearly impossible for me to have any spare time.  And one of the things that I had to let go of for the sake of time management was blogging and social media.  I finished up my degree and graduated college at the age of 32, while working AND interning, AND being a mom.... AND a wife.... AND... AND.  You get the idea.  I spent the majority of my time away from the house and the last 6 months I only say the boys from about 6:00-7:30 pm during the week.  Most of that time was spent cooking dinner and regular nightly routines.  My weekends were filled with homework, most Sundays were spent locked in the bedroom for anywhere between 6-11 hours doing school projects and that's just for myself.

     In November, the place I had been interning at for 2 years offered me a paying position.  This meant in addition to my internship.  But hell, I was going to get paid and that also meant when I graduated college, I would ACTUALLY be able to use my degree.  I averaged about 500 miles a week driving back and forth to work, then school, then back to work and back home.  
  
     Hubbs also changed jobs in December, he went from a cushy desk job, that he wasn't in love with, but paid well and had outstanding benefits, (which as most of you know is essential with neurotypical children, but even more so with special needs kiddos) to a job that had little to no benefits options and paid less, BUT, it's what he was training for and what he's wanted to do for at least the last 13.5 years that we have been together.   In the words of Rory Gilmore "You Jump, I Jump Jack!"  So the opportunity arouse and we made the jump.  It was terrifying making that jump, but it's like I said to people who were concerned about the choice, "he has supported me 100% for 4 years through college while I chased my dreams, I will not shoot down his".    We cashed out his retirement with the company he'd been at for 7 years to help supplement the income, applied for public health care (nightmare by the way but a separate post is needed for this story), and held on tight.  It's been 8 months and he is now bringing home MORE money each month, but the kicker, even on crappy days at work, he is still a much happier man.

     So all this leads to the real topic.  Change+transitions+Asperger's=HELL.  Yep, I said it.  HELL.  It was a big enough change when I started working, then less than a month later, Hubbs switched jobs and that meant no more early shift and being off to get he kids from school.  It meant day care before and after school.  It also meant seeing less of BOTH  parents.  You think when you make changes that the adults are the ones making the changes and finding out where to sacrifice time, fun, events, appointments, you know, life in general, and the kids, well they're just along for the ride, right?  NOPE.

     So here's where it gets reaaalllyyyyy interesting.  I knew and I mean just KNEW that C would be the one to lose his shit first.  Let's face it, being an Aspie and facing major life changes is, let's just say -shitty.  About mid January C (now 11) still held it together.  But my anxiety built every day, waiting and wondering when it would come.  We put so much effort and thought into making this as easy as possible for him, that some where in the process of all this Ry (now 7) got lost in the mix.  Not sure when it happened, or that we really even noticed him start to go wayward.  But eventually we noticed little things like him "borrowing" things from school that he really had no intention of returning, lying, emotional outbursts, and much, much more. 

     When it comes to your attention, suddenly you feel like the worst person alive.  I've been neglectful.  He'll hate me.  I've ruined him! < All the thoughts that run through your mind when you realize you just screwed up your typical kid.  Great.  I had ONE job, do NOT further screw these children up.  After we reprioritized it took us a few months to get him back on track  But here's the really great thing I learned from this.  You can try to control everything, you can plan until you are blue in the face, but the universe and all the people in it don't give a damn about your plan.  All we can do is trust the process.  Make a plan and roll with it, be fluid. Think about that for a second... isn't the idea beautiful?  By demanding and needing to control things I missed out on a lot this last year.  Especially with the kids.

      When I look back, you know where you watch what I call your "life movie trailer" I can see where C just let go, he rolled with the punches.  HE waited until the rest of us pulled out shit together and then lost his mind...,. but only a little.   This is when I saw that all the work he has been doing working on his social skills and behavior management is making real headway.  I'm so proud of him. And you know what?  I'm so proud of all of us.  These things don't happen over night and they are NEVER easy, but the whole family has banded together to help each other grow and learn and become the most successful versions of ourselves we can be. 

     C started summer school today, it will give him a jump start to the wonderful world of JR High.  He will spend the next 3 weeks getting an extra boost of reading and math in the middle school building.  So while we might think 3 extra weeks of school sounds awful, I'm excited for him to be able to acclimate himself to the building and staff before the upperclassmen and even the douchey kids (yeah, I just said that) from his class last year are all on campus.  I'm hoping that this will ease his transition and boost his confidence so hopefully his first "real" day doesn't come with a mega dose of uncontrollable sensory overload, because I remember JR high... and it was NOT my favorite time in life.  Did I mention C has been titrated off all his meds?  Yeah... We did that at the beginning of the summer.  I was getting more concerned with long lasting neurological effects because of how their brains are still forming, so I thought now or never.  And honestly, he's "busier" than before, but as for all the other stuff, I think he (and we) have enough coping strategies on board to make this work Au Naturel.

Thanks for coming back to visit us.  See you around the quad!

                   This is how we spend our summer, throwing rocks in creeks and catching crawdads.

 
    

Meet Millie, C's new companion.

About 4 weeks ago we welcomed a lab/sheppard mix into our home at the adivce of C's psychologist, autism specialist, last years teacher, and principle.  I did a lot of research on the effects (or affects, I never know which one it is LOL) a dog can have on a child-or adult- with ASD.   Here are some facts about why we made this choice:

• Some proponents assert that such dogs do more than enhance physical safety. Some  (e.g., Autism Service Dogs of America, 2011) argue that the dogs provide a “calming presence” that  “can minimize and often eliminate emotional outbursts.” Some advocates believe that such dogs can provide “…. a focus through which the child can interact with other children. This helps increase the opportunity for the child to develop social and language skills.” Burrows, et al. (2008a) believe that dogs can positively influence children with autism in the areas of arousal and sensory stimulation, improving concerns in these areas. In addition, dogs can function as a “transitional object,” allowing the child with autism to first bond with the dog, an easier creature with which to do so, and this may eventually increase bonding with humans.  (http://www.operationautismonline.org/blog/the-role-and-benefits-of-autism-service-dogs-2/)

• Autism is a severe developmental disorder that affects the way a child sees and interacts with the rest of the world. It effects sensory, memory, motor and postural control. Social and communication skills may be compromised leading to social isolation both within the family and with other people. Many autistic children display a tendency to bolt in open spaces making going to a mall or a restaurant almost impossible. Many autistic children also experience difficulty sleeping and often suffer from insomnia. Children with autism are often misunderstood because they process information in a different way. They deal with facts, not concepts which can be a problem for parents and teachers. Because information is processed in a very detailed oriented way, the autistic person will sort through both major and minor stimuli, a car driving by, the smell of their clothing or the sound of a dog barking to make a decision. Too many details can cause them to become overstimulated and confused by everyday situations.(http://www.autismassistancedog.com/)

1. Increased social interaction - assistance dogs have proven to improve social skills and social interaction with children affected by autism. These dogs are naturally interesting which often draws the attention of the autistic child as well as others.
2.  Redirecting repetitive behaviors - dogs can be taught to nudge a child that is performing repetitive behaviors, this touch is often all that is required to redirect the child from these behaviors.
3.  Improved independence - assistance dogs can provide independence by allowing the child to walk with the dog as opposed to constantly holding the hand of a parent or adult. These highly skilled dogs can assist the child while under the direction of the adult.
4.   Increased vocabulary - children with autism are often noticed to have an increase in vocabulary after being paired with an assistance dog. The children seem to be more comfortable in speaking with the dog which transfers to more verbal interaction with people.
5.  Improved quality of sleep - assistance dogs provide a certain level of comfort that can often improve a childs ability to sleep more throughout the night.
6.  Overall calming ability - when performing everyday tasks, children feel less pressure working with a dog as opposed to their peers. The tactile experience of having a dog as a companion has also proven to provide calming effects. Autistic children who work with dogs have been documented to feel less anger and experience less acts of aggression compared to the time before receiving an assistance dog.

  After months of consideration, research, and planning we took the plunge and brought home Millie.  We made a deal with C that we would take care of the financial responsibilites but the rest is up to him.  Poop patrol, food, water, walking, etc. 

Meet Millie-

So here's the breakdown of our first month.

•  Cayden has taken control and has followed through with his end of the bargain without fuss.  When weather permits he takes her on walks.  Success number one! 

About 5 days after we brought her home something fails to go as planned after a day full of "every one HATES me" cries, and as most of you know in A.S.D.-land  that is an recipe for disaster.  About 3:45 and there is screams and tears, hyperventilating, throwing of toys, followed by a face plant on the floor.  Millie stands up, walks into the war zone, lays next to him on the floor and literally in less than 3 seconds the crying and body flailing stops.  I peek in the door to make sure she didn't have a choke hold on him, and honestly wouldn't blame her (LOL This is a joke people, relax).  Nope.  They are laying side by side, her head on his arm, his head on her shoulder.  He is softly stroking her ear and confiding all his concerns in a whisper to her.  Ok. FLUKE. And, Hubbs was convinced I was exaggerating.  
Week 2. Kids at school suck.  Homework isn't going to happen.  Any request made by me was followed with frustrated cries and screams.  "Go to your room!".  C-" EVERRYYYYY ONEEEE HATESSSSS MEEEEEE!!!! I can't stand it, I can't do it any more!" stomp, stomp, slam! Flying bean bags, bouncing legos, earthquaking bunkbeds.  I take the dog by the collar and lead her to his room, she doesn't hesitate and goes in. I shut the door behind her.  3.2.1. Quiet.  Same result as last week.  Ok, maybe people are on to something here. Again, although Hubbs is slightly more open to the idea that its working, he still isn't convinced it will last.
Saturday of Week 3. We are walking on egg shells and waiting for the meltdown. Every time we speak to C we wince in anticipation that, that was the comment that is going to do it. 9 am.  Tick, tick, BOOM! (this time Hubbs is home). Meltdown ensues.  About 4 minutes in   "Wait a minute, we have Millie, watch this" I say.  I lead the dog to the room and... 3.2.1. quiet.  Hubbs "No effin way".  Me "told you".
A few days ago, he is having troubles again, the entire day is a battle.  As he nears the edge of the meltdown cliff, I told him to take the dog and spend time only with her.  It was like a fairy wand.  Crisis averted.  Hubbs is now officially convinced it is working. 
A typical meltdown involves anywhere from 1-3 hours of crying, screaming, room rearranging ( i.e. tossing shit around) and us wishing we would have bought those ear plugs for ourselves but never remember.  It is almost guaranteed to happen a minimum of 3 times a month (that is 3-9 hours of hell), every month, for his entire life.  Since we have had Millie, same cycle, But less than 10 minutes TOTAL in a month.  We have noticed a lighter feeling in the house since she has been here.  She makes us all a little happier.  She is kind and patient and very obedient.   It has been a lot of extra house work, because I hate the look of animal hair everywhere, and sometimes I forget we have a dog when I let her outside. lol. 

Overall, I wish we would have made this step a long time ago.  But everything happens for a reason at the time it needs to happen.  We have had a lot of support in our decision and we are extremely grateful!