Tires and Chocolate

We left the house by 9 am this morning, we ended up going to the psychologist to pick up 2 dose change prescriptions, then to the squeeze in appointment at the orthodontist because C had a wire come out on the bottom.  After there we went back across town to the pharmacy only to find that she incorrectly wrote one of the Rx's.  We eat some lunch and end up having to go get new tires on one of the cars.  GREAT. I have a HUGE problem with going to WalMart for anything, and I do mean anything, automotive related. I'm kind of a snob like that. But mostly when I was much younger I had my "dream" car. It was beautiful. I had an oil change done at, eh hm, Walmart only to get about 5 miles down the road and my engine blows up because they didn't put the filter on tight enough and all the oil drained out.  Anyways, after a bunch of calling around they were about $50 cheaper than anywhere else.  So away we go.  I have officially found the point at which Cayden can no longer handle Walmart.  It is exactly 23 minutes.  Which is about 21 minutes longer than it takes me to have a meltdown LOL.  about 40 minutes in I get called back where they want to jack me around, after I made it perfectly clear it wasn't going to happen, we continued on....  I was perusing the makeup isle where C proceeded to lay across the isle because he was BOOOOREEEEd-UH.  People couldn't get around him.  I told him to get up off the floor or I would extend his grounding.  ( yeah, that's a long story).  So push comes to shove, as I'm not about to argue with him, I reach down and put my hand under his armpit to lift him up. At this time, I want to point out there are about 7 people standing and watching the show. He fails himself backwards and screams, "you can't do that because there are security cameras right on you! You better stop or they will get you in trouble for doing this to me!".  Really? I wish I would have had the mind to stop and take a picture of this crowd of people all standing there judging me. Instead, I closed my eyes, held by breath and walked away.  I figured he'd follow me, and he did.   We carried on through the store where he kept on doing things and taking it too far and was unable to reason with anything. TWO hours later the damn tires are done.  I was the only person there to get tires and a guy was working on it the entire time.  What the hell takes so long? I could have done it faster myself. We get home, he takes a nap and silly me, I had hopes that he'd be "reset". Fat chance.  We've spent the last 4 hours in one power struggle after another.  He got on the elliptical for 10 minutes or so but came in raging that we said "one time, a long time ago, that we'd do something".  I don't even know what it was, but he was pissed that we didn't do it.  I had him get his pajamas on and lay down to read a littler earlier than usual in hopes that he could unwind a bit.  Again, BIG FAT CHANCE..  He was quiet all of 3 minutes before he came out and demanded his Hershey bar I bought for him on Saturday.  My sister and brother in law took the boys to a parade and of course, all the candy they threw out is stuff he wasn't suppose to eat because of his expanders and braces.  I felt for him, so I bought him a chocolate bar.  Come to find out he had some of the candy anyways so I didn't feel the need to give it to him. In his world, once something is said, it is what it is.  Because I said it was for him, he believes he may do with it as he pleases.  It turned into a grab fight, because we don't eat many sweets and nobody else is eating candy or dessert tonight.  Now here's my dillemma.  I put it in the trash can, and he'll dig that sucker back out. So what do I do, I shove the entire thing in my mouth (not my proudest moment and my stomach hurts like crazy now).  Now there's nothing to fight about.  It's gone. end of story.
     At present he is crying because he just knows that Ryker is going to get to eat ALL of that parade candy.  Honestly, I just threw candy away from 2 Halloween's ago that I found in that nifty little cupboard above the fridge.  I know it's gross, judge in silence haha.  I just don't get it.  He makes it seem as if I'm so one sided and show so much favoritism. Bleh.  C has been talking to himself for 23 minutes about how mean I am and how I broke a promise.  Actually MR. literal, I never promised anything, I distinctly remember saying, "since you already had some you don't need this". 
     Top it off, and little Ry has been an emotional mess for weeks.  All he does is cry because everyone is hurting his feelings (ie. "get off your dresser Ryker".  "I know! you don't have to be so ruuuude!" and here comes the waterfall of tears.). 
     We are getting ready to go on vacation for 5 days.  I'm already dreading it.  I don't know if C's issues are stemming from the anxiety of the trip/ change.  I'm sure once we are there he will mellow out... hopefully.   But when we get home, I really don't want to have to go through this again.  Just in time to do it all over again in a few weeks when it's time to go back to school... Then time to go to day care for the first time.  Then.. and then... and then.  So much for that wonderful fingernail polishing quiet break I had.  It's back to real life, real tears, and an upset tummy from too much chocolate.
    That is all.
   -Nikki

Peace and Polish.

     I keep finding myself looking around, not sure what to do.  My mom took the boys on Wednesday.  Yesterday I had to run some errands so it wasn't so bad, plus I feel my face wanting to explode because of this wonderful sinus infection I have, so the break was nice.  But today, nobody is arguing about what is fair, screaming that it's 12:04 and lunch is suppose to be ready at 12:00 so I must be trying to starve someone, and my house is still clean.  It's a weird feeling. 
  I did however, go down and fill out the paperwork and pay the registration fee for a day care center that I mentioned a while back, so that's exciting!   I can do what I need to for school and not have this hanging over my head. I think next week, or maybe the week after, I will take the boys down there to check it out and be able to put faces with names.  Hopefully this will ease the transition for C. 
    We are heading out for a few days of camping and crabbing, the boys are taking their fishing poles and bikes and Ry is elated to go to the beach.  Fingers and toes(freshly polished ones at that)  crossed the trip goes smoothly.
    Not much else to report here, just watching trashy tv shows and doing my nails today.... This is what I'm doing..... With no interruptions.

As much as I miss them, this sure is a welcomed break!  Hope every one is staying cool and hydrated!
-Nikki

Surprise rafting and new beds.

Let me start by saying I'm blogging from my phone,  so there's bound to be some typos and really awesome autocorrects. 
After a few days of help from my mother in law, a break to go to the doctor and a hair cut and a pep talk while kid free,  I feel like a new woman!  Funny how something so small can make you feel so great.  Yesterday I gave C his MP3 player back after he got it taken away from him because it was a major impairment on his listening skills. Earlier in the day he was a mess. Yelling at me and Ry for previous events.  He was sitting at the table and I pulled the MP3 player out and set it in front of him. My M.I.L. whispered to him, " you should probably tell her thank you for giving it back even though you weren't very nice ".   He walks over to me very calmly and says " thank mom for giving it back..... even though I was a jerk ".  I asked him if he knew why he got it back. His answer was no. I explained to him that I gave it back because me having it had nothing to do with his behavior today.  What happened yesterday has nothing to do with today. He looked at me confused for a minute. Then without saying a word he threw his arms around me and gave me a giant hug. "Thanks mom " he said softly.  I had to fight back tears.
   Then on Saturday we had a surprise birthday party -rafting trip for a friend of ours. I wasn't sure how the boys would do on a 3-4 hour ride down the river. They did surprisingly well. Reports were it was super fun because they got to use squirt guns ( the giant dipsticks)  the whole time.  About half way down Ry requested to go back because he wanted to be done. But,  we got to a stopping point had some snacks and he got in the raft with bus other 2 favorite adults. At about 3 hours in I could see that C had reached his limit. He was no longer capable of sitting still and was obsessing over getting something in another raft. (We had 2 rafts that towed another 2 rafts with older kids and coolers.) When we finally got done we had an amazing bbq where everyone proceeded to eat too much. It was fun.... a lot of fun.
   C had a hard time going to bed. We started at 8:00 and struggled  with him until 9:45 when we simply shut the door. I think he even slept through the night.  I know I did. I woke up in the sane position I fell asleep in. Lol.
     On Friday we went to Costco and bought the boys their first set of new mattresses . They had twin size pillow top Sealy's for $119. The boys were so excited. .... until we got home. C was making his new bed and went into full meltdown mode. It sounded like something off the exorsist movies coming from his bedroom. After about.5 minutes of screaming and hyperventalating he comes out if his room with blood shot eyes and a Rosy face and says he can't stand the new mattress.  The old ones have handles in the mattress so it is easy to move. The new ones don't. I never would have imagined that a change as small and welcomed as a new mattress would bring so much turmoil. I showed him how to move it without handles and he grumbled for a bit,  but he eventually got done and seemed pleased at bed time.
     I find its easier to see things that are out if his control than I used too. A year ago I might have disciplined him for having a tantrum over a new bed. Can you imagine what it must feel like to always feel so anxious and over stimulated? 
     C seems to be doing better today after what seemed to be a good nights rest for everyone. Hes less confrontational and whiny. So that's always a plus.
     Fingers crossed for a peaceful evening,
     Nikki

Insight and headaches.

     Yesterday was a doosie.  I literally cried until I fell asleep.  I woke up with swollen eyes and a bigger headache than I started with yesterday.  What I found was myself feeling confused and struggling to understand, truly understand C.  But it was like the door to my mind slammed shut at every turn and he was on hyper-drive to meltdown town.  He was so intense yesterday that I didn't know what to do with it.  Made worse by feeling like there's no one to help me with answers.  BUT, today is a new day, as they say.  I can only  hope it gets better.  I can't bear the thought of another day like that so soon.
     It's hard feeling like no one else understands, even your own family.  It really does make you feel alone.  So I laid in bed this morning, with that thought rolling around in my head.  If I felt so helpless, so frustrated, so minimized by others, how the hell does C feel?  Although most of his struggles are internal.  When you think something isn't bothering him, you're wrong. Give it about 5 days and then he will have a meltdown but you won't know why... You have to go all super sleuth to find out.   But if I feel so horrible on the inside and out, he's a kid, I don't know that I want to know how he feels.  Or is it even something that he can even process? So many questions, no one to answer them.
        I'm headed to the library to pick up a book I've been dying to read and they finally shipped it here for me.  I will still be waiting for a phone call from a lady who does the Aspie support group and from 2 doctors.  I did get a referral to a therapist in Medford that specializes in Aspergers, so I'm waiting on that call as well. I'm doing my best, but wish I wasn't the only one fighting so hard.

    Hoping for some insight, Tylenol to finally kick in, and less fighting amongst the boys today  (although it's all I hear at the moment...).
   -Nikki

Defeat is not an option...

     We all have our good days and our not so great days.  I feel my frustration piling up.  I look around at people who have ordinary families and they just ask each other advise from time to time and it works great for everyone.  But for me, it's like I'm standing with the whole world staring at me while I scream for help, but then every one looks at me like I'm speaking gibberish.  I wish I had someone who truly understands what I go through on a daily basis.  I wish I had someone to help me to understand Aspergers. Today,  I simply feel defeated.  It doesn't even feel like I'm crying, I just have tears trickling down my face.  It's really odd. Although, defeat is not an option.  I still have to get up and carry on.
     I've had a headache for 5 days straight and I'm sure that's not helping things.  I envy those who have family close enough to have a break.  I just need a little time, to regather my thoughts and recharge my "emotional tank" so to speak, occasionally.  For someone who needs things to be so ordered and structured, C sure does know how to shake things up in this house. I've been watching him the last 2 days become condescending to Ry.  He's been complaining and having a hissy fit because he has to do things and wants help.  But then when Ry helps C screams at him for not doing it right.  Ry cries and C is still pissed that he's not getting help.  I'm not sure how long I stay out of it.  Honestly, if you want help, don't yell at the person who is helping you.  If you don't like the way they are doing it, then do it yourself.  There is no reasoning with him, his way is the right way.  Big spoons can't go with little spoons, white bowls can't be stacked with brown bowls, BUT if I make Ry stop helping C thinks I'm the worlds worst mom and I'm unfair and mean, if I let Ry continue to help Ry things I'm mean and C refuses to be kind.  I can't win.  I try so hard to make things fair and even for him.  But to what extent? 
     I've been fighting for him to get help for 7 years now.  In that time I haven't stopped to ask for help for me.  Now I'm screaming for it and don't know where to turn.  So if anyone has any good ideas, I'm open for it, but please, if you do not understand Aspergers or Autism, do not pass judgments on my parenting or my kid.  That's not what I'm looking for.

Giving anyone who reads today a giant hug, mostly because I need it,   
            -Nikki

Accountability and Understanding

     I find when I get busier that its harder to be understanding to what C is all about.  I find myself losing my patience more, saying things that aren't relevant, and not taking the time to try to decode him.  I laid in bed and regretted most of my attitude towards him that day.  Guilt is a horrible thing to feel.  He didn't do anything that I would consider wrong, I just felt like I no longer had the patience to really hear what he's saying and understand why he did what he did.  I woke up this morning and am still beating myself up a bit for it.  I know he says things that don't make sense to me, but he doesn't know how else to explain them.  I shouldn't fault him for that.  His thought process is just totally different than mine.  I see him mimicking things more and more.  Things that, as I reflect on it, I realize he has seen or heard somewhere else, or even worse, me.  I've known he mimics, but I suppose I've never been fully aware of how often and to what magnitude.  The very things I'm getting on his case about are things that I let him watch on tv, or allow him to hear in conversations.  They say children are like sponges, but most children don't have extraordinary memories and precise facts.  We made the decision yesterday to remove most of the television. We found we were getting too lax about the shows they were watching and it became an issue for him to even pause a show because he "HAD TOOOO" watch it.  No more Beyblade, no more Ninjago.   In the process we've corrupted him, he really likes ALF. hahaha... He's a child after my own heart.
   



 I wish there was a manual for parenting an Aspie.  And I suppose more than parenting,  a guide to understanding in the moment, not just in hindsight.   I've talked about it before, but managing yourself really is harder than trying to manage their behavior.  Being accountable for yourself, for lack of a better term, sucks.  I find I spend so much time trying to "train" my kids to be respectful and responsible, that it's possible I forgot to practice it myself.   



     On a brighter note, we had some friends from out of town stay with us last night.  Ry went to my mom's house so it was just C and 2 other kids (they have known each other their entire lives).  There was no fighting, no whining.  They played together the entire time up until about 10:30 this morning when they left.  I think it was good for him, he seems much more relaxed today.   All week I've watched his body get more and more tense.  By Friday his eyes were sunken in and darty, his shoulders were rolled up and he couldn't sit still.  A little break from his brother and a few friends who know how to follow the rules of and share similar interests in games.
     I'm off to buy stock in Adidas, (haha, not really but it seems like it) because they are the only shoes he will wear.  He won't wear sandals or flip flops, hates wearing socks, and cries when he can't wear his favorite shoes.  The peanut gallery can hold their comments about not letting your child be "picky".  Ask either one of my kids and they will tell you our motto is "you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit".  Until you have been in my "shoes" (pun totally intended) you can't judge.  There are certain things that have to be consistent where Asperger's is involved.  And if shoes is one of them, then so be it.

Networking and Raisin Bran

     I've successfully avoided daycare for my boys for years.  Where I go, they go when they don't have school.  I found out a few months ago that I was accepted for a program in college.  Great news!... wait, but that means I don't get to pick my schedule anymore, they pick it for me.  So as I'm on the hunt for the perfect sitter I don't really know where to start.  So I called our local job council that has a child care referral network.  They have a disclosure that says they do not recommend or endorse anyone, they simply compile a list and provide it to you.  I won't go into details other than to say I fought back tears because of how filthy the living conditions were in this home. Holy discouragement Batman!  Of course the first place I went to had to scare the pants off me, we got home, changed clothes and washed our hands, took a nap and were good as new. lol
    That evening we made a trip over to C's teacher's house (from last year) to deliver a little craft project we had been working on for her.  She showed such patience and caring throughout the year and still during the Summer time when she should be vacationing, that we thought we'd do something nice for her.  She has these 3 amazingly well behaved dogs, one of them being a St. Bernard, the boys LOVE big dogs.  To top it off, her husband is a fireman....  It was like Ryker stepped into his dreams.  He got to look at dog books, hear stories of dog agility training, watch fire fighting videos, check out the fire truck, get some goodies, see a police officer stop by to say hi, and by the time they got in the car they were ready for bed so they could crack open their glow sticks. LOL. Best couple of hours we've spent all summer and what we desperately needed after such a weird morning.
    Then this morning I gave a lady a call that I was referred to from some of the staff at C's school.  She has an ASD support group, oh, did I mention she has a day care center AND it's affordable also? Yep, the stars aligned and birds sang.  The more I talked to her the more giddy I became.  She has been through such similar things ( she has an Aspie in the family too).  Right down to doing all the research yourself because you can't get anyone to help you and you don't feel like there's anyone who will ever understand your frustrations and struggles, and even the victories that no one else gets are a big deal.   I'm more excited than anyone will ever know to meet people that will understand my life and how Asperger's effects the entire family.  When I told C that there was a chance he could meet other kids with Asperger's he just smirked and said, "oh, they are special needs like me... cool, they won't be jerks".  WOW.  First and foremost, I corrected him on his choice of words, he's 9 not 90 and doesn't need to call anyone a jerk.  But mostly, it solidified what I had been trying to tell everyone for years.  Just because he doesn't show externally how hurt he is by the treatment he gets from other kids, doesn't mean he's not affected.  There's also that term, "special needs" that I think has to go.  It's good to understand the term, but I'm afraid that will come back and be used as a crutch. 
    I'll be talking to her again soon, but in the meantime I feel hopeful for both of us building new networks and relationships with people who have to structure their lives like ours.
     At the moment I'm being reprimanded for turning off the tv and throwing away something of C's without telling him.... Only I didn't throw anything away.   And I only turned the tv off after he refused to brush his teeth and threw his brothers things down because he wanted to play where Ry was.  This whole managing my own behavior is much harder than you would think.  I want so badly to lecture him into seeing things my way... Problem is, that will NEVER happen, not in this lifetime anyways.  One of the things about being an Aspie means that whatever they believe, you can't change their minds.  If they believe it, it IS true. 
     Along with managing my own behavior I've been trying to keep out of every disagreement they boys have.  As my ears are ringing from the shrieks and screams I wonder how much longer I can hold out.
    I took a 20 minute time out for myself, lol.  Contemplating the importance of earplugs and closets.  I figured they'd find me anyways so I grabbed my book and closed the bathroom door and pretended to be "busy".  Turns out they respect your "poop time" as Ry so lovingly said.  And that's where the fighting stopped.  Wonder how many times I can make this work? lol  I might have to pretend to eat a lot of Raisin Bran so they don't get suspicious. 
   
    I'm off to make dinner,
        Nikki