School anxiety and my fudgey catnip.

I finally got to talk to C's new teacher and she was very receptive of us wanting to meet before school starts to try and ease some of C's anxieties about returning to school. 
Here's a list of his concerns:

• what if the new teacher isn't as nice as Mrs. Miller?
• what if the new teacher isn't as patient as Mrs. Miller?
• will I have a quiet place to go when I need it like Mrs. Miller had for me?
• what if the kids are still jerks?
• what if the other kids eat things I can't because of my braces and expanders? 
• ^^ that's not going to be fair.^^
• how will I know where to go in the new building?
• what if the other teachers don't like me?
• maybe no one will like me.
• Can I still see Mrs. Miller?
• ^Will my new teacher let me?^
• Will they let me have other choices for recess like I had at the other school?
• Can I play wall ball?
• Will the other kids let me play wall ball?
• Will the other kids finally follow the rules of wall ball?

Aaaannnndddd, BREATHE! So I talked to her and we will meet twice before school starts. Once next week with just us to get the lay of the land and come up with a strategy and safe places/ activities for when things get overwhelming.  And once the day before school when the other teachers and some other students are there to get a sense of who he will be encountering.  My hope is to take 50% of his fears and squash them so the transition is mildly tumultuous not horrific. I can't take them all away, but this is the best way I can figure to help ease the stress.  My MIL suggested we take some pictures of the class room and other places he will be during school time so he can look over them from time to time and get a sense of comfort about his surroundings.  I think that's a great idea.  Hopefully the teacher doesn't think we are crazy. lol. 

I've also come up with a plan for the kids going to daycare.  Since I don't start school until the end of the month, I am going to let the kids go to school for 2 weeks.  The 3rd week on Tuesday and Thursday, they boys will ride the bus to daycare and stay for 30 minutes, then I will go pick them up.  This way the get established at school a bit and then add in day care the week before I actually have to go back to school, that way if there are any issues that arise I am available to take care of them.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried.  Because I am. Part of me is worried about how they will handle the newness of me being unavailable and the rocky transition for C.  The other part is worried about how well I'm going to handle his meltdowns with such a full plate. 

On another note, I'm trying to decide if I have enough time to stay involved with the Policy Council for Head Start.  I'm thinking yes.  It's something I really enjoy doing even though it's kind of boring. lol. I also resigned my position as the VP of the PTO, I really am afraid of stretching myself too thin.  I don't want to add something else that I feel like I HAVE to do.  I had to be honest with myself and I think they understood, I hope so at least.

Well kids, it's time to clean up the house and win the fight against the sugar ants that won't seem to go away... and... I'm out of fudgesicles, so I no longer have an excuse to hide in the closet.  GAAAHHH!  Fudgesicles are like my catnip. I get all warm feeling inside and want to roll around on the floor with the empty wrapper.  I can't help it. I'm a fat kid at heart- don't judge. haha.

Offensive bows and Walmart anxiety.

I made the boys get up and get dressed so we could go to the store as I have avoided it so long we have no milk and no fruit.  As they were getting dressed C keeps asking what store we are going to and saying.. "I hope it's the market... I love the market. I hope it's not Walmart. I hate Walmart."  Over and over again.  I could see the anxiety welling up because he wasn't actually talking to me so I didn't respond to him.  I like to see if he can work out these things in his own mind and if that means talking to himself, then have it big boy.  However, I thought I was the only one who hated going to Walmart.  My reasons- people are rude, they are pushy, it takes too long.So this got me thinking about what may be his reasons-too many things to over stimulate his brain, too many people mean too many things to process about facial expressions and words that are confusing, and why people would stand so damn close to you? I'm sure it's much deeper and complex than I'll ever understand, but I suppose at least I'm trying.
So, we go to the market and get our milk, plums, and bananas.  We barely avoid the meltdown over not renting Transformers 3 for the gazillionth time, but make it out in tact.

I have been more in tune with the patterns of meltdown and anxiety.  I even notice myself feeling less angry about it, maybe because I'm more aware of how and why these things happen.  I use to take it so personally, but after a lot of reading of other peoples personal blogs and various books, I see that it isn't personal, which makes it REALLY hard to be angry at.  It's like being mad at an infant when they cry because they can't communicate their needs.  That's just ludicrous to think that's personal.  So I choose to think of his meltdowns in a similar fashion- not that he's baby, just that inability to communicate needs at times.  I'm allowed to be annoyed and frustrated, but I'm not allowed to be angry, because he doesn't know how else to communicate what he's feeling or even how to process it once the anxiety has set in.  I knew there would be a transitional period after our vacation.  I called it before we left.  Hubbs (my husband Danny) said he didn't think so because this was a good thing.  My argument- so was the mother freakin mattress that he loves so much, that caused the meltdown of the century because it didn't have handles so he didn't know how to make the bed now.  I saw it in his eyes yesterday that it was coming.  So I've been going along with the impending doom feeling over my head just waiting.  Part of me is feels for the kid and the other part of me is doing the touchdown dance because I was right.
We have successfully maneuvered around  at least 15 things that were sure to cause a full on meltdown that would normally lead to hours of crying and days of recovering.  So I say it's a win for now.

I said something to my MIL the other day that apparently has stuck with us both because we both keep talking about it.  I made a comment "My kids couldn't be more opposite.  I have one who would do anything in the world to be just like everyone else(C).  And one who tries everything he can to be different (Ry)."  It's funny to watch them.  C does so much of the parallel playing and mimicking of everything to try to do things the "right" way so people will accept him and he will blend in.  Ry wants to do everything different so he can stand out and be seen. It's hard to keep up!

I'm off on a quest to circumvent what proves to be a challenging day.  At the moment I'm saying the words most mothers fear  "Put the scissors down and walk away". LOL.  He's suppose to be cleaning his room, however he is very busy... Just not with that.  He's out here trying to cut pieces off a teddy bear because "the red bow offends him".  yes, those are his words.  Well studly, your cutting up a bear offends me.  Moving on.......

-Nikki

oceans and blow guns.

Our week of camping went pretty smooth.  We of course had a few minor bumps, but nothing major.  C- wanted to be friends with a kid in the camp site next to us, but with all the parallel play that goes on with him, we had to cut the friendship short on the first day.  The "neighbor" kid was the definition of the kid off Toy Story that burned it's toys in the backyard and blew them up with firecrackers.  He had a blow gun and tried to shoot pine needles and cones at Ry and told stories of falling in the firepit at various times and putting fire crackers in fires and watching them go "BOOOM!!".  Then he proceeded to tell C that he could break his wrist in one move.  All I could think was, " really kid. Keep talking and his literal sense will show you how to do it... If he doesn't I might". Oh, did I mention that the GRANDPA of this kid walked around smoking a joint every 30-45 minutes?  I thought C was going to crap his pants with horror that someone would actually do that in front of kids and especially a baby (the blow dart kid had a tiny sister around 1 yr-18 months old).  He was very upset, I thank Young Marines for that drug awareness class. 
     So for conversation sake we will call this kid BDK (blow dart kid).  So, since we told the boys they weren't allowed to play with BDK they moved on to the other boys with bikes.  Every time they would ride around the camp loop they would have a new kid riding along side.  So BDK would come over to our camp and tell us how we are "suppose" to do things.  He would throw things in our fire and the mom and grandma would look over and let it happen.   When I was cooking dinner that consisted of ribs, potato salad, and baked beans, the kid says "you guys are lucky.. I think we're having ramen noodles.  They are cooking right now".  My MIL (mother in law) looked at him and said with a straight face " then maybe you should go over there and see".  I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  He kept trying to invite himself to eat with us. I'm not a babysitter, I'm not a nanny.  I have my own kids, and right now I'm busy NOT watching them while they act like boys on their bikes somewhere... over ... there (think scarecrow scene from Wizard of Oz).  Thankfully with C's sense of rules I was able to let them ride their bikes around the "C" loop of the campgound until their feet wanted to fall off.
     The boys went fishing a few times and C caught a tiny fish and Ry caught some seaweed and a crab, which we ate for dinner. lol.

 My MIL wanted to go clamming so we got up early on Saturday and went on a quest for clams during minus tide.  We didn't have any rubber boots, so the walk out was disgusting and gave me a mild anxiety attack since we were in the bay.  But once we got out there it was just sand.  I wish I could have gotten pictures, Ry cried almost the whole time and C would find the ones that spit and would start digging for them.  It was pretty cool.  I would walk along with my dowel stick and find them and Danny and my MIL would dig them out.  We walked away with 3/4 of a bucket full of clams of different sorts. Some really big ones and some butter clams I think they were called.  Ry sliced his foot open on a broken shell, C- fell and scrapped his leg and elbow and also caught "big " air and ate crap on his bike.
     A few minor meltdown and some marshmallows and we were set.  It was fun, but I'm glad to be home.  I'm hesitant about how the day will go.  So far so good.  But there's always that adjustment period where C goes into fight of flight mode for a few days and his sensory issues rear their ugly head.  I did read on another blog "Inner Aspie" ( http://inneraspie.blogspot.com/ )that sometimes a strong touch will help calm the nerves.  He was laying down for a nap because his eyes were super darty and he was starting to go into panic mode from being too overstimulated with how the day was going.  I put my hand on his arm lightly and he kept moving away.  So what I had read popped into my head and I placed my hand very firmly on his harm and I felt his whole body relax and he whispered "thank you mom" and fell asleep almost instantly.
     Hopefully we make it through this week unscathed.

-Nikki

Tires and Chocolate

We left the house by 9 am this morning, we ended up going to the psychologist to pick up 2 dose change prescriptions, then to the squeeze in appointment at the orthodontist because C had a wire come out on the bottom.  After there we went back across town to the pharmacy only to find that she incorrectly wrote one of the Rx's.  We eat some lunch and end up having to go get new tires on one of the cars.  GREAT. I have a HUGE problem with going to WalMart for anything, and I do mean anything, automotive related. I'm kind of a snob like that. But mostly when I was much younger I had my "dream" car. It was beautiful. I had an oil change done at, eh hm, Walmart only to get about 5 miles down the road and my engine blows up because they didn't put the filter on tight enough and all the oil drained out.  Anyways, after a bunch of calling around they were about $50 cheaper than anywhere else.  So away we go.  I have officially found the point at which Cayden can no longer handle Walmart.  It is exactly 23 minutes.  Which is about 21 minutes longer than it takes me to have a meltdown LOL.  about 40 minutes in I get called back where they want to jack me around, after I made it perfectly clear it wasn't going to happen, we continued on....  I was perusing the makeup isle where C proceeded to lay across the isle because he was BOOOOREEEEd-UH.  People couldn't get around him.  I told him to get up off the floor or I would extend his grounding.  ( yeah, that's a long story).  So push comes to shove, as I'm not about to argue with him, I reach down and put my hand under his armpit to lift him up. At this time, I want to point out there are about 7 people standing and watching the show. He fails himself backwards and screams, "you can't do that because there are security cameras right on you! You better stop or they will get you in trouble for doing this to me!".  Really? I wish I would have had the mind to stop and take a picture of this crowd of people all standing there judging me. Instead, I closed my eyes, held by breath and walked away.  I figured he'd follow me, and he did.   We carried on through the store where he kept on doing things and taking it too far and was unable to reason with anything. TWO hours later the damn tires are done.  I was the only person there to get tires and a guy was working on it the entire time.  What the hell takes so long? I could have done it faster myself. We get home, he takes a nap and silly me, I had hopes that he'd be "reset". Fat chance.  We've spent the last 4 hours in one power struggle after another.  He got on the elliptical for 10 minutes or so but came in raging that we said "one time, a long time ago, that we'd do something".  I don't even know what it was, but he was pissed that we didn't do it.  I had him get his pajamas on and lay down to read a littler earlier than usual in hopes that he could unwind a bit.  Again, BIG FAT CHANCE..  He was quiet all of 3 minutes before he came out and demanded his Hershey bar I bought for him on Saturday.  My sister and brother in law took the boys to a parade and of course, all the candy they threw out is stuff he wasn't suppose to eat because of his expanders and braces.  I felt for him, so I bought him a chocolate bar.  Come to find out he had some of the candy anyways so I didn't feel the need to give it to him. In his world, once something is said, it is what it is.  Because I said it was for him, he believes he may do with it as he pleases.  It turned into a grab fight, because we don't eat many sweets and nobody else is eating candy or dessert tonight.  Now here's my dillemma.  I put it in the trash can, and he'll dig that sucker back out. So what do I do, I shove the entire thing in my mouth (not my proudest moment and my stomach hurts like crazy now).  Now there's nothing to fight about.  It's gone. end of story.
     At present he is crying because he just knows that Ryker is going to get to eat ALL of that parade candy.  Honestly, I just threw candy away from 2 Halloween's ago that I found in that nifty little cupboard above the fridge.  I know it's gross, judge in silence haha.  I just don't get it.  He makes it seem as if I'm so one sided and show so much favoritism. Bleh.  C has been talking to himself for 23 minutes about how mean I am and how I broke a promise.  Actually MR. literal, I never promised anything, I distinctly remember saying, "since you already had some you don't need this". 
     Top it off, and little Ry has been an emotional mess for weeks.  All he does is cry because everyone is hurting his feelings (ie. "get off your dresser Ryker".  "I know! you don't have to be so ruuuude!" and here comes the waterfall of tears.). 
     We are getting ready to go on vacation for 5 days.  I'm already dreading it.  I don't know if C's issues are stemming from the anxiety of the trip/ change.  I'm sure once we are there he will mellow out... hopefully.   But when we get home, I really don't want to have to go through this again.  Just in time to do it all over again in a few weeks when it's time to go back to school... Then time to go to day care for the first time.  Then.. and then... and then.  So much for that wonderful fingernail polishing quiet break I had.  It's back to real life, real tears, and an upset tummy from too much chocolate.
    That is all.
   -Nikki

Peace and Polish.

     I keep finding myself looking around, not sure what to do.  My mom took the boys on Wednesday.  Yesterday I had to run some errands so it wasn't so bad, plus I feel my face wanting to explode because of this wonderful sinus infection I have, so the break was nice.  But today, nobody is arguing about what is fair, screaming that it's 12:04 and lunch is suppose to be ready at 12:00 so I must be trying to starve someone, and my house is still clean.  It's a weird feeling. 
  I did however, go down and fill out the paperwork and pay the registration fee for a day care center that I mentioned a while back, so that's exciting!   I can do what I need to for school and not have this hanging over my head. I think next week, or maybe the week after, I will take the boys down there to check it out and be able to put faces with names.  Hopefully this will ease the transition for C. 
    We are heading out for a few days of camping and crabbing, the boys are taking their fishing poles and bikes and Ry is elated to go to the beach.  Fingers and toes(freshly polished ones at that)  crossed the trip goes smoothly.
    Not much else to report here, just watching trashy tv shows and doing my nails today.... This is what I'm doing..... With no interruptions.

As much as I miss them, this sure is a welcomed break!  Hope every one is staying cool and hydrated!
-Nikki

Surprise rafting and new beds.

Let me start by saying I'm blogging from my phone,  so there's bound to be some typos and really awesome autocorrects. 
After a few days of help from my mother in law, a break to go to the doctor and a hair cut and a pep talk while kid free,  I feel like a new woman!  Funny how something so small can make you feel so great.  Yesterday I gave C his MP3 player back after he got it taken away from him because it was a major impairment on his listening skills. Earlier in the day he was a mess. Yelling at me and Ry for previous events.  He was sitting at the table and I pulled the MP3 player out and set it in front of him. My M.I.L. whispered to him, " you should probably tell her thank you for giving it back even though you weren't very nice ".   He walks over to me very calmly and says " thank mom for giving it back..... even though I was a jerk ".  I asked him if he knew why he got it back. His answer was no. I explained to him that I gave it back because me having it had nothing to do with his behavior today.  What happened yesterday has nothing to do with today. He looked at me confused for a minute. Then without saying a word he threw his arms around me and gave me a giant hug. "Thanks mom " he said softly.  I had to fight back tears.
   Then on Saturday we had a surprise birthday party -rafting trip for a friend of ours. I wasn't sure how the boys would do on a 3-4 hour ride down the river. They did surprisingly well. Reports were it was super fun because they got to use squirt guns ( the giant dipsticks)  the whole time.  About half way down Ry requested to go back because he wanted to be done. But,  we got to a stopping point had some snacks and he got in the raft with bus other 2 favorite adults. At about 3 hours in I could see that C had reached his limit. He was no longer capable of sitting still and was obsessing over getting something in another raft. (We had 2 rafts that towed another 2 rafts with older kids and coolers.) When we finally got done we had an amazing bbq where everyone proceeded to eat too much. It was fun.... a lot of fun.
   C had a hard time going to bed. We started at 8:00 and struggled  with him until 9:45 when we simply shut the door. I think he even slept through the night.  I know I did. I woke up in the sane position I fell asleep in. Lol.
     On Friday we went to Costco and bought the boys their first set of new mattresses . They had twin size pillow top Sealy's for $119. The boys were so excited. .... until we got home. C was making his new bed and went into full meltdown mode. It sounded like something off the exorsist movies coming from his bedroom. After about.5 minutes of screaming and hyperventalating he comes out if his room with blood shot eyes and a Rosy face and says he can't stand the new mattress.  The old ones have handles in the mattress so it is easy to move. The new ones don't. I never would have imagined that a change as small and welcomed as a new mattress would bring so much turmoil. I showed him how to move it without handles and he grumbled for a bit,  but he eventually got done and seemed pleased at bed time.
     I find its easier to see things that are out if his control than I used too. A year ago I might have disciplined him for having a tantrum over a new bed. Can you imagine what it must feel like to always feel so anxious and over stimulated? 
     C seems to be doing better today after what seemed to be a good nights rest for everyone. Hes less confrontational and whiny. So that's always a plus.
     Fingers crossed for a peaceful evening,
     Nikki

Insight and headaches.

     Yesterday was a doosie.  I literally cried until I fell asleep.  I woke up with swollen eyes and a bigger headache than I started with yesterday.  What I found was myself feeling confused and struggling to understand, truly understand C.  But it was like the door to my mind slammed shut at every turn and he was on hyper-drive to meltdown town.  He was so intense yesterday that I didn't know what to do with it.  Made worse by feeling like there's no one to help me with answers.  BUT, today is a new day, as they say.  I can only  hope it gets better.  I can't bear the thought of another day like that so soon.
     It's hard feeling like no one else understands, even your own family.  It really does make you feel alone.  So I laid in bed this morning, with that thought rolling around in my head.  If I felt so helpless, so frustrated, so minimized by others, how the hell does C feel?  Although most of his struggles are internal.  When you think something isn't bothering him, you're wrong. Give it about 5 days and then he will have a meltdown but you won't know why... You have to go all super sleuth to find out.   But if I feel so horrible on the inside and out, he's a kid, I don't know that I want to know how he feels.  Or is it even something that he can even process? So many questions, no one to answer them.
        I'm headed to the library to pick up a book I've been dying to read and they finally shipped it here for me.  I will still be waiting for a phone call from a lady who does the Aspie support group and from 2 doctors.  I did get a referral to a therapist in Medford that specializes in Aspergers, so I'm waiting on that call as well. I'm doing my best, but wish I wasn't the only one fighting so hard.

    Hoping for some insight, Tylenol to finally kick in, and less fighting amongst the boys today  (although it's all I hear at the moment...).
   -Nikki