Long overdue update: Loneliness with a side of joy.

It's been so long since I last posted.  Life seems to have gotten away from me.  The day to day things have seemed so overwhelming that I have been incapable of adding "one more thing" to my to-do-list.  So much has happened the last two years.  Quick summary:

• Cayden is now a teenager.  With all it's glory.  He's MUCH taller than I am, wears a 12.5 in men's shoes, and his voice is very manly.... But boy, is this kid handsome!
• There have been six (if I'm counting correctly) cease and desist orders given to other children in his school due to their relentless bullying and assaults.  These situations were found that C was not at fault.  Were there times when he was upset because the other kids were not following the rules? Yep.  Did that aide in the attacks? Yep. Does that warrant theses malicious actions from others? Nope. These kids, unsolicited, make these plans to intentionally overwhelm and upset him.  His reaction is their entertainment.  One of the events was after school and we were on the phone together.  He was asking me if he could stay after school to finish some math homework.  There was a lot of screaming to which I heard C saying "STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME! I SAID STOOOOOP!".  I was 4 minutes from the school and couldn't get around traffic.  I couldn't hang up the phone and call for help, because if I did that, I wouldn't be able to give him instruction and help him get to safety.  These CHILDREN trapped C in a bathroom, chased him screaming and making threats.  I threw up twice that day and cried for hours.  It was the very first time he begged me to not send him back to school.  It was the very first day my faith in the school's ability to keep my child safe wavered.  And the next day I took the day off work and went to school with him, per his request.  Can you imagine?  A 7th grader inviting his mom to spend the day with him at school? I threw up twice that day and cried for hours.  But this was NOT the last time. 
• Escape routes and safety plans were implemented into his IEP this year due to the harassment, physical abuse, and verbal abuse he endured from his peers.  This sickens me.  What kind of a world do we live in, that so many other kids feel it is acceptable to antagonize others to their breaking point? 
• The school staff has been wonderful.  We have amazing communication and everyone of them is genuinely invested in his well being.  Many accommodations have been made that are, in their own ways, troublesome for the staff, but in his best interest.  So these things are followed through with without complaint.  As a professional I understand the limitations and the requirements to follow guidelines for disciplinary action.  As a mom, I'd like them to be banished to an island where respect, self discipline, and acceptance is mandatory to get off the island and back to their regularly scheduled life.  Buh-Bye.
• We have felt support and understanding come and go from friends and family members.  Most of which could not imagine living in our world.  The daily struggles, the extreme emotions, the hyper-vigilance.  The immense anxiety every time you see an email, text, or call from the school.  The time it takes to  respond to each of them.  I have lost friendships by their choice or mine.  When things get tough sometimes people have to go, for one reason or another.  Many relationships have been distanced and any information given has been censored to prevent conflict and judgement by others.  Because, again, they will never understand.  Our life will never be typical.  And your experience as a child and/or your child rearing practices will never be anything like ours.  Your judgments and opinions are invalid and not necessary, you will likely make things worse.  There is a difference between support and criticism, many do not understand where one line ends and the other begins.  And almost certainly find yourself on the outskirts, or the outs.  Our circle is small, but mighty.  We tend to like it that way.
•  I have a 3" binder FULL of correspondence (pages are printed 2 sided) from the last two years.  This does NOT include phone calls or texts.  I keep these for my own records.  It's how I track progress and declines. Much as you would with any research project.  You have to have data.  Living with a child on the spectrum means you must never stop learning and never stop trying to understand.   Information is power.
• I have heard "I totally understand my kid....", "that sucks, have you tried....",  "maybe he needs more consequences".  1. You will ever understand.  2. Yes, I've tried that.... and so much more than you'll ever fathom.  3. Screw off. There are consequences, consistent ones.

There's so much more.... but I think this is a pretty good snap shot.  I could go on for days.  So, now that we have that out of the way, here's the most recent update:

There are times in life when we feel lonely. Most of us have the ability to reach out to friends and family to pull us out of our funk. But imagine going over TWO years without spending any time with friends. Imagine never having a phone conversation with anyone besides your parents. Imagine believing you have these 4 great friends, but them not believing the same. Never including you, never reaching out to you. Never returning your text messages or answering your phone calls. Imagine how that fuels your loneliness and damages your confidence.... But imagine your brain works differently, so you cannot connect the events to the feelings. You have no idea why you feel this way. You so desperately want to "belong" and sought out, but no matter what you do, it doesn't happen. Now imagine being a parent to a child experiencing this. My heart is crushed. Yesterday was the last day of school. C came home feeling kind of bummed. It took him 6 hours to put the pieces together why he felt that way. He said "it's the last day of school and it might be the last time I ever see my friends". And he's right. We have made the choice to transfer him to a charter school next year. 

As a parent I cannot watch him go through any more turmoil, physical assaults, verbal assaults, fear, and anger. I don't know how to respond, except with a hug and an "I love you". I want so badly to give him the opportunity to have a friend. Just one. He sees the other kids hanging out and making plans. He sees his younger brother with a best friend for almost a year, the two inseparable. He envies that, I can tell. He feels left out and that it's "unfair". He's right. The look on his face and low tones in his voice tear my heart. I have to fight back my cries until I am alone because I do not want him to feel like he cannot talk to me, because he makes me sad. Because it's not him that makes me feel that way. I don't want him to think he has to take care of me. This is not about me. This is about my kid, he deserves love and acceptance. But in a world of disrespectful kids and low tolerance and understanding for those with differences, it seems he doesn't have a chance.

I want to take it all away.  I want to make people understand.  I want kids to know he is not a bad person.  He has challenges that are not typical.  He can be loud and react in ways others believe to be over the top (it totally is to the rest of us, but to him it's not).  He, like all of us, needs support, fun, and laughter.  He is a great friend.  He is loyal and he cares more than anything about your well being and safety.

I took him to see the drift cars this last weekend, just the two of us.... He got to ride along for almost an hour. He had the BEST time.  I haven't seen him that content in months. Even my girlfriends noticed a difference that night at dinner.  In those moments he spent with another person, driving ridiculously fast, burning through tires, wearing a helmet that was as heavy as a bowling ball ( I know because I went on a ride too, and holy cow) he felt peace.  He felt contentment and joy.  Imagine that.... pure joy. Look at that handsome, happy face.

We're on a mission to find and offer many more opportunities of joy this summer.  It may not fix the loneliness, but it can offer hope and joy, even if for a brief moment. 

Change+transitions+Asperger's=HELL

     We've been out for, let's just say..,. a while.  We've had a lot going on the last year that made it nearly impossible for me to have any spare time.  And one of the things that I had to let go of for the sake of time management was blogging and social media.  I finished up my degree and graduated college at the age of 32, while working AND interning, AND being a mom.... AND a wife.... AND... AND.  You get the idea.  I spent the majority of my time away from the house and the last 6 months I only say the boys from about 6:00-7:30 pm during the week.  Most of that time was spent cooking dinner and regular nightly routines.  My weekends were filled with homework, most Sundays were spent locked in the bedroom for anywhere between 6-11 hours doing school projects and that's just for myself.

     In November, the place I had been interning at for 2 years offered me a paying position.  This meant in addition to my internship.  But hell, I was going to get paid and that also meant when I graduated college, I would ACTUALLY be able to use my degree.  I averaged about 500 miles a week driving back and forth to work, then school, then back to work and back home.  
  
     Hubbs also changed jobs in December, he went from a cushy desk job, that he wasn't in love with, but paid well and had outstanding benefits, (which as most of you know is essential with neurotypical children, but even more so with special needs kiddos) to a job that had little to no benefits options and paid less, BUT, it's what he was training for and what he's wanted to do for at least the last 13.5 years that we have been together.   In the words of Rory Gilmore "You Jump, I Jump Jack!"  So the opportunity arouse and we made the jump.  It was terrifying making that jump, but it's like I said to people who were concerned about the choice, "he has supported me 100% for 4 years through college while I chased my dreams, I will not shoot down his".    We cashed out his retirement with the company he'd been at for 7 years to help supplement the income, applied for public health care (nightmare by the way but a separate post is needed for this story), and held on tight.  It's been 8 months and he is now bringing home MORE money each month, but the kicker, even on crappy days at work, he is still a much happier man.

     So all this leads to the real topic.  Change+transitions+Asperger's=HELL.  Yep, I said it.  HELL.  It was a big enough change when I started working, then less than a month later, Hubbs switched jobs and that meant no more early shift and being off to get he kids from school.  It meant day care before and after school.  It also meant seeing less of BOTH  parents.  You think when you make changes that the adults are the ones making the changes and finding out where to sacrifice time, fun, events, appointments, you know, life in general, and the kids, well they're just along for the ride, right?  NOPE.

     So here's where it gets reaaalllyyyyy interesting.  I knew and I mean just KNEW that C would be the one to lose his shit first.  Let's face it, being an Aspie and facing major life changes is, let's just say -shitty.  About mid January C (now 11) still held it together.  But my anxiety built every day, waiting and wondering when it would come.  We put so much effort and thought into making this as easy as possible for him, that some where in the process of all this Ry (now 7) got lost in the mix.  Not sure when it happened, or that we really even noticed him start to go wayward.  But eventually we noticed little things like him "borrowing" things from school that he really had no intention of returning, lying, emotional outbursts, and much, much more. 

     When it comes to your attention, suddenly you feel like the worst person alive.  I've been neglectful.  He'll hate me.  I've ruined him! < All the thoughts that run through your mind when you realize you just screwed up your typical kid.  Great.  I had ONE job, do NOT further screw these children up.  After we reprioritized it took us a few months to get him back on track  But here's the really great thing I learned from this.  You can try to control everything, you can plan until you are blue in the face, but the universe and all the people in it don't give a damn about your plan.  All we can do is trust the process.  Make a plan and roll with it, be fluid. Think about that for a second... isn't the idea beautiful?  By demanding and needing to control things I missed out on a lot this last year.  Especially with the kids.

      When I look back, you know where you watch what I call your "life movie trailer" I can see where C just let go, he rolled with the punches.  HE waited until the rest of us pulled out shit together and then lost his mind...,. but only a little.   This is when I saw that all the work he has been doing working on his social skills and behavior management is making real headway.  I'm so proud of him. And you know what?  I'm so proud of all of us.  These things don't happen over night and they are NEVER easy, but the whole family has banded together to help each other grow and learn and become the most successful versions of ourselves we can be. 

     C started summer school today, it will give him a jump start to the wonderful world of JR High.  He will spend the next 3 weeks getting an extra boost of reading and math in the middle school building.  So while we might think 3 extra weeks of school sounds awful, I'm excited for him to be able to acclimate himself to the building and staff before the upperclassmen and even the douchey kids (yeah, I just said that) from his class last year are all on campus.  I'm hoping that this will ease his transition and boost his confidence so hopefully his first "real" day doesn't come with a mega dose of uncontrollable sensory overload, because I remember JR high... and it was NOT my favorite time in life.  Did I mention C has been titrated off all his meds?  Yeah... We did that at the beginning of the summer.  I was getting more concerned with long lasting neurological effects because of how their brains are still forming, so I thought now or never.  And honestly, he's "busier" than before, but as for all the other stuff, I think he (and we) have enough coping strategies on board to make this work Au Naturel.

Thanks for coming back to visit us.  See you around the quad!

                   This is how we spend our summer, throwing rocks in creeks and catching crawdads.

 
    

Meet Millie, C's new companion.

About 4 weeks ago we welcomed a lab/sheppard mix into our home at the adivce of C's psychologist, autism specialist, last years teacher, and principle.  I did a lot of research on the effects (or affects, I never know which one it is LOL) a dog can have on a child-or adult- with ASD.   Here are some facts about why we made this choice:

• Some proponents assert that such dogs do more than enhance physical safety. Some  (e.g., Autism Service Dogs of America, 2011) argue that the dogs provide a “calming presence” that  “can minimize and often eliminate emotional outbursts.” Some advocates believe that such dogs can provide “…. a focus through which the child can interact with other children. This helps increase the opportunity for the child to develop social and language skills.” Burrows, et al. (2008a) believe that dogs can positively influence children with autism in the areas of arousal and sensory stimulation, improving concerns in these areas. In addition, dogs can function as a “transitional object,” allowing the child with autism to first bond with the dog, an easier creature with which to do so, and this may eventually increase bonding with humans.  (http://www.operationautismonline.org/blog/the-role-and-benefits-of-autism-service-dogs-2/)

• Autism is a severe developmental disorder that affects the way a child sees and interacts with the rest of the world. It effects sensory, memory, motor and postural control. Social and communication skills may be compromised leading to social isolation both within the family and with other people. Many autistic children display a tendency to bolt in open spaces making going to a mall or a restaurant almost impossible. Many autistic children also experience difficulty sleeping and often suffer from insomnia. Children with autism are often misunderstood because they process information in a different way. They deal with facts, not concepts which can be a problem for parents and teachers. Because information is processed in a very detailed oriented way, the autistic person will sort through both major and minor stimuli, a car driving by, the smell of their clothing or the sound of a dog barking to make a decision. Too many details can cause them to become overstimulated and confused by everyday situations.(http://www.autismassistancedog.com/)

1. Increased social interaction - assistance dogs have proven to improve social skills and social interaction with children affected by autism. These dogs are naturally interesting which often draws the attention of the autistic child as well as others.
2.  Redirecting repetitive behaviors - dogs can be taught to nudge a child that is performing repetitive behaviors, this touch is often all that is required to redirect the child from these behaviors.
3.  Improved independence - assistance dogs can provide independence by allowing the child to walk with the dog as opposed to constantly holding the hand of a parent or adult. These highly skilled dogs can assist the child while under the direction of the adult.
4.   Increased vocabulary - children with autism are often noticed to have an increase in vocabulary after being paired with an assistance dog. The children seem to be more comfortable in speaking with the dog which transfers to more verbal interaction with people.
5.  Improved quality of sleep - assistance dogs provide a certain level of comfort that can often improve a childs ability to sleep more throughout the night.
6.  Overall calming ability - when performing everyday tasks, children feel less pressure working with a dog as opposed to their peers. The tactile experience of having a dog as a companion has also proven to provide calming effects. Autistic children who work with dogs have been documented to feel less anger and experience less acts of aggression compared to the time before receiving an assistance dog.

  After months of consideration, research, and planning we took the plunge and brought home Millie.  We made a deal with C that we would take care of the financial responsibilites but the rest is up to him.  Poop patrol, food, water, walking, etc. 

Meet Millie-

So here's the breakdown of our first month.

•  Cayden has taken control and has followed through with his end of the bargain without fuss.  When weather permits he takes her on walks.  Success number one! 

About 5 days after we brought her home something fails to go as planned after a day full of "every one HATES me" cries, and as most of you know in A.S.D.-land  that is an recipe for disaster.  About 3:45 and there is screams and tears, hyperventilating, throwing of toys, followed by a face plant on the floor.  Millie stands up, walks into the war zone, lays next to him on the floor and literally in less than 3 seconds the crying and body flailing stops.  I peek in the door to make sure she didn't have a choke hold on him, and honestly wouldn't blame her (LOL This is a joke people, relax).  Nope.  They are laying side by side, her head on his arm, his head on her shoulder.  He is softly stroking her ear and confiding all his concerns in a whisper to her.  Ok. FLUKE. And, Hubbs was convinced I was exaggerating.  
Week 2. Kids at school suck.  Homework isn't going to happen.  Any request made by me was followed with frustrated cries and screams.  "Go to your room!".  C-" EVERRYYYYY ONEEEE HATESSSSS MEEEEEE!!!! I can't stand it, I can't do it any more!" stomp, stomp, slam! Flying bean bags, bouncing legos, earthquaking bunkbeds.  I take the dog by the collar and lead her to his room, she doesn't hesitate and goes in. I shut the door behind her.  3.2.1. Quiet.  Same result as last week.  Ok, maybe people are on to something here. Again, although Hubbs is slightly more open to the idea that its working, he still isn't convinced it will last.
Saturday of Week 3. We are walking on egg shells and waiting for the meltdown. Every time we speak to C we wince in anticipation that, that was the comment that is going to do it. 9 am.  Tick, tick, BOOM! (this time Hubbs is home). Meltdown ensues.  About 4 minutes in   "Wait a minute, we have Millie, watch this" I say.  I lead the dog to the room and... 3.2.1. quiet.  Hubbs "No effin way".  Me "told you".
A few days ago, he is having troubles again, the entire day is a battle.  As he nears the edge of the meltdown cliff, I told him to take the dog and spend time only with her.  It was like a fairy wand.  Crisis averted.  Hubbs is now officially convinced it is working. 
A typical meltdown involves anywhere from 1-3 hours of crying, screaming, room rearranging ( i.e. tossing shit around) and us wishing we would have bought those ear plugs for ourselves but never remember.  It is almost guaranteed to happen a minimum of 3 times a month (that is 3-9 hours of hell), every month, for his entire life.  Since we have had Millie, same cycle, But less than 10 minutes TOTAL in a month.  We have noticed a lighter feeling in the house since she has been here.  She makes us all a little happier.  She is kind and patient and very obedient.   It has been a lot of extra house work, because I hate the look of animal hair everywhere, and sometimes I forget we have a dog when I let her outside. lol. 

Overall, I wish we would have made this step a long time ago.  But everything happens for a reason at the time it needs to happen.  We have had a lot of support in our decision and we are extremely grateful!

Screwy week with a side of refreshing

We've had a week that consisted of one screwy situation after another.  By Wednesday hubbs and I were ready to punch someone.  All week we've dealt with STUPID people. Every time we turn around someone has said or done something so ridiculous I don't know how they even manage to mutter the words. 
THEN I find out my class schedule has changed.  Late in the day. On Friday. Bookstore closes at 4 and class starts at 8 a.m. Monday. AWESOME. Yesterday, for example, I had to go to the post office THREE times because the lady was unable to help me. So I had to come home, purchase the damn postage myself.  Oh, did I mention our town was out of internet service for 30 hours?  So I had to tether my laptop to my phone.  Then when I tried to print the labels, guess what.  The mother freaking printer all the sudden decides not to work.  By the end of the 40 minute fiasco I had: pulled the pc desk out and unplugged everything from the back because I couldn't figure out which one was the printer USB.  Dropped all books of the top of the desk.  Knocked over the box of "to shred" papers.  And drop kicked a dry erase marker.  Hubbs called on his lunch break and I told him it looked like someone turned the desk upside down, shook it, kicked it, put it in a tornado, and put it back crooked, so I'm gonna let you fix it when you get home. Obviously he's not amused.  All this, only to find out.... the printer wasn't even plugged in to the back of the pc.  It was lying ever so gently behind the printer 6 feet away from my hissy fit.  WINNING.  So the whole point of this was the wifi for the printer wasn't working. Finally got it fixed. 
After the post office I went to the market. The guy in front of my topped the cake.  He bought a bunch of shit food, frozen pizzas, chips, corn dogs, you know, healthy stuff.  Fills the conveyer belt with shit. THEN has the cashier "go get that $9 bottle of Seagram's vodka. ... No not that one.... Not that one..... Yeah, that one. "   Are you ready for the win?   Wait for it...................  He paid for his well balanced food with FOOD STAMPS. While buys cigs and booze.  OMFG! I'm standing here adding up my basket that has only the necessities and he's all willy nilly with his food stamps and buying cigs and booze in the same fracking transaction.  See, WIN.
I came home with every intention of closing the blinds and hiding out the rest of the day.But then I get a phone call from the new autism specialist at C's school.  So instead of trying to find a time to meet with her in a few weeks, I just skipped my jolly ass over to the school for an impromptu meeting.  Finally some good news. They are going to start working on sensitivity training with the other kids in his class. Also, they will be working with C to try to get him to understand why he's different.  He knows he "has" Aspergers.  But I don't think he's making the connection to what that really means.  The lady was so kind and it was refreshing for the day I already was having.  A day that just proceeded a screwy week.  She has a 25 year old son who has A.S.  so she gets it. All in all it was a good meeting.
But then I walked out of the school doors.  And more of the "are you f*&!@^g kidding me? went down.  Oh well. It's Saturday.  Ry had his first sleep over with the neighbor boys, C is going to a birthday party today at his best friends house.  I might be canning some more salsa with my mom today and I'm getting ready to drink my first cup of coffee. 

Enjoy your weekends!  I know I will, last weekend before my life is nothing my textbooks and classes for 70 hours a week until Xmas.  Hell, I might even take a nap. ;)  Haha. right.

Model kinder and New Friends

So Ry went to his very first day of Kindergarten.  He got up early, showered, ate only half of his breakfast, brushed his teeth until they were "sparkly squeaky clean".  Made sure the (now pay attention here) tag in the inside of the pants matched the color of the shirt, because otherwise people will know and they won't think he's cool.   Upon arrival he was so excited that he couldn't hardly wait to get started.  He hung out on the playground with C for a few minutes.  While we were standing there we snuck a peek as C's new friend he's been telling us about.    The boy was kind and even took a break from wall ball to help C teach Ry to play.  It was cute.  Finally, the bell rang.  The kinders lined up on the #5 painted on the playground.  It was time for class.  The excitement took a back seat to reality, crap, mom's really going to leave me here.  He hesitated for a minuted and gave me a giant hug...a really long one. I told him he'd have to let go soon.  He whispered, "not yet".  My little heart melted.  So one last squeeze of a hug and he got in line.  Up the ramp he went with all the other little ducklings in a line.  Dad stepped up and gave him a high 5 and that's all he needed to know it was going to be OK.  The anxious face faded and that little cheesy smile we love came back out.

We walked down (we live very close to the school and we is hubbs and I - he took the day off for Ry's first day of Kindergarten as he did for C when he was 5) to the school to get him and when we got there he was all smiles and ready to go.  We asked him what he did and his answer " I just hung out".  LOL. Really? We saw the principal (who I adore a great deal-she's a very kind hearted person) on our way off he property and apparently he set quite the example for the rest of the kids she said, "he was a model student". HAHAHAHAHA. Whaaaat?  Well. I've trained him well.  He talks about what he had for lunch and the fact that he got to eat in a cafeteria which is almost as cool as getting a new bike.  If I had known that I could have saved a shit ton of money on his birthday.  Kidding.  Kind of. ;)   So we ask what else he did at school.  " I played, I criss cross applesauced, I went pee..."  me-"where did you pee? You know you can't pee outside at school right?".  Ry-"oh yes, I peed inside".  Try to hold your laughter in on that conversation.  He also told us about his sticker he had to wear that told them where each kid went at the end of the day: pick up/bus and how she told him he HAD to leave it on all day.  We get in the house and he takes a nap with ease.  Did I mention he fell asleep with his spiderman mask on? Yep. He did. When he gets up he comes out, still with the mask on, and tells me "can you call Ms. *** (censored for her privacy) and ask her if I can take my sticker off?  I'm bored of it now".    Seriously hilarious.

So C comes home and does his homework.  Without fuss. Can I say amazing?  So he tells me that he gave his N.F. (new friend also for their privacy) our phone number.  N.F. asked his dad if C could come to his birthday party and his dad said sure.  So C, the awesome kid that he is, asks "wait, does your family do drugs? Because I can't come over if your family does drugs" LMAO.  NF said "no, 100% they do not".  Pure Asperger  bluntness. I love it.

Cheers to a successful Monday.  Hope you all enjoy the rest of your week.

4th grade woes.

C is off to school today, or as C calls it, the "big 4th grade".  He had a major meltdown for several hours yesterday about the upcoming events.  He nodded off relatively early which was a nice change... But then- he was wide awake at 3:43 this morning.  We unplugged everything and locked up all the computers to make sure he couldn't have anything to do in hopes he'd go back to sleep... Big fat chance.
He was pacing back and forth with wild eyes for at least an hour and a half before school started, shoes, backpack, water bottle and snack ready to go.  I watched him recite what he was going to do today to himself.  I'm not sure he even knew he was talking out loud.  We walked to school and all the while I watched kids high fiving and hugging.  A few of them tried to talk to C but he just kept walking.  Until he saw an adult he recognized, he ran up and hugged him and gave him knucks.  It was interesting to watch.  He seemed to be holding it together, which means the moment he walks in the door today, it's tick, tick, tick... BOOM! It might be today, maybe not until this weekend, but it's gonna happen.  It will all catch up with him and he'll loose it.  But I'll be ready.  The principal is going to keep her eye on him throughout the day and keep me updated.  I'm nervous for him for lots of reasons.  But I've armed him with the idea it's only a part of your day, a small brush to clean his braces out with so the kids don't have an extra reason to be asshats to him, a good snack, a water bottle so he doesn't get too disruptive in class because he  gets thirsty when he's nervous or anxious.

Ry is enjoying his time to annoy me all by himself.  He has "reorganized" the cup lids about 40 different ways because "he likes to organize".  Maybe you should organize you own shit then stud muffin. I have a system. It works well for me.  It doesn't make me want to throw things like a baby and scream when I can't find them. But yes, he's trying to be helpful, so I say these things in my own head and let him do it.   He's spilled about 12 gallons of milk, climbed on top of the counter and in the top of the cupboard, eaten 800 pieces of jerky, and screwed up all the silverware in the drawer because he didn't like it.  Siiiigh. I'm sure he's having a bit of separation anxiety from all the love time he's had with his brother this summer.  Love time... hahahahahaha..

I'm going to leave you all with an image that makes me think of C and Ry.  C would kill to be in Kindergarten and Ry would sell his brothers bike (<- no that is not a typo lmao) to be able to go to the "big" kid class.


For the love of jerky, 

Pig wrestling and power stuggles.

I'm kind of bummed it's been so long since I've been able to post.  Things have been crazy. C has been keeping me on my toes.  He's began acting like the "terrible twos" and blaming everyone and everything for his "anger problem" he calls it.  Really, it's you acting like an ass and expecting everyone to bend to your every whim.  He attempted to pull the bunk bed over again yesterday and almost succeeded this time.  I can see the frustration in his eyes and he's been stuttering... Yes. Stuttering.  Where the hell did that come from?! I have been watching him more closely and have noticed him getting so angry that he can't find the words to even speak most of the time.  My anxiety is so high I feel like my heart is going to give out.  Ry cries all day long, C screams cries and throws stuff, and I sit feeling defeated unsure what to do next.  C has had "tantrums" before, but I'm used to meltdowns, which are similar, but very different in the way you handle them.  Meltdowns are heart breakingly frustrating.  Tantrums are infuriating.  And before anyone speaks up with what I should do, no, I don't give unnecessary attention to the tantrum.  No I don't give in.  I'm frustrated not a moron. I've never seen him so out of control with anger before. I don't know where this is coming from. 
As the start of school is creeping up on us I can't help but feel relieved for a daily break.  I'm at my whits end with this power struggle we are in.  But rest assured, I will be the sole victor here, with slightly more gray hair and about 30 pound heavier from all the fudgecicles.  And wouldn't you know it, I'm out of the damn things.  I don't usually have to go through two different power struggles at the same time.  However, they are both in full swing, at the same damn time.  Talk about double teaming.   It's times like this I am thankful I didn't have a girl.  It's no surprise to most of you that know me I have a very low tolerance for whining and crying.  I don't have the patience for a girl of my own.  I love other peoples girls, because they go home.  But lately, the universe is really testing my limits with these freaking boys of mine who bitch and cry over everything.  You would think by the way they are acting so entitled that I have always given them everything they want.  <- That by the way is hilarious. Never happened... Never will.  I make the choices I make for a reason, not to be their friend, not to be nice all the time.  But there is a fine line with C on giving him what he wants versus what he actually needs... Next point- sensory issues.
If  I hear one more fight about a certain fork that is smooth on the handle and the perfect weight I'm going shave my head Brittney Spears style (get the mental breakdown innuendo there? lol. ).  I don't even know where this stupid fork came from.  We've all heard the stories about people coming home to find socks or underwear that weren't theirs.  Well, I unloaded the dishwasher to a fork that wasn't mine one day about a year ago.  So this fork sits in the back of the drawer, because as my MIL phrased it I'm a silverware snob.  HAHA!  It's true, I'm not even gonna lie.  So, in the back of the drawer it sits.  I forget about it for a while.  Then one lazy day we only had a few clean "normal" forks.  Long story short, C ended up with this fork.  It was smooth unlike the regular ones.  It balanced in his little hand just right.  And there birthed the bane of my year.  From that point on all he wanted to use was the smooth fork.  He would begin to have panic attacks if he couldn't find it.  If it's clean go ahead and knock yourself out, use it.  But if it's dirty, I'm not washing it just so you can use it 40 times a day.  I'm a lot of things, but you're personal assistant is not one of them.  Then, a few days ago, Ry decides he wants to try it out. O...M..G.  You would have thought aliens landed and killed the dog and the fish, turned around and stuck their tongue out and mooned us.  He was appalled and pissed all at the same time.  I took the fork and I hid it. I hid it good.  Which turned into a "thanks a lot for getting my special fork taken away RYYYKEEEER!" slap fight.  Really, you were pig wrestling around trying to get the fork from each other and someone was about to be a kabob.  He still looks for it, I find him slinking around trying to find it.  But he never will.  I haven't decided when, or if I'm going to give it back.  I'm in the market for new silverware, even though mine are perfect to my liking so there are no more fights over the damn thing. Oh, did I fail to mention C actually said "your silverware is offensive to me".  Are you kidding me? You're attitude is offensive to ME.
I'm always hopeful for a better tomorrow.  So far this month I'm striking out.  However, come September 5th, for 7 hours, It will be sweet, peaceful bliss.  What transpires after 3:20 p.m. might be a different story, but at least then I will be "recharged" enough to deal with it.

Enjoy the last few days of Summer break everyone, and indulge in the sweet, sweet hours they are back in school.  The quiet won't last. ;)